Inspirations...

This past week, I had the opportunity to hear not one, not two, but three amazing speakers share stories of passion & inspiration. (Translation: prepare for a long post!) Thanks to a special health & wellness week being offered at work, I was able to attend these talks that fed me in a way we don't often find in the workplace - they fed me spiritually.

On Tuesday, the Honourable Senator and retired General Roméo Dallaire spoke to us about mental health and the devastating effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He is a tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy and his experience in Rwanda - and his own struggles with PTSD - are harrowing. Admittedly, I have his book but haven't had the courage to read it. After hearing him share his story so honestly, I feel the least I can do is bear witness to it and seek out its deeper messages.

On Wednesday, two more very different stories! Pierre Lavoie is a professional triathlete and the current world champion and age-group record holder for the Hawaii Ironman. His talk on developing a "Winning Attitude" was all one would expect from a world class athlete. However, his story took on an unexpected and much more personal tone when he spoke of applying all he had learned as a competitive athlete to his real cause & life purpose: raising awareness & finding a cure for the rare genetic disease that claimed the lives of two of his young children. He described himself as "un simple gars d'usine avec sa boîte à lunch" - a simple factory worker with a lunchbox - but it was obvious he was telling us that we all have the capacity to do extraordinary things with our ordinary lives.

Finally, La passion selon Marcel Leboeuf. I had never heard of this guy and didn't know what to expect. I figured he was some guy from the motivational speaker circuit who'd written a book on "passion". My first clue that he was probably something more was when I arrived to an packed room and struggled to find a seat. Who was this guy?! Turns out he is a well-known actor in Quebec. He has starred in many popular French television series like Virginie and Watatow. Since I don't watch those shows, I was clueless. In a way, perhaps that was a good thing! I had no preconceived notions of this man and I was quite taken by his humour, his love of family, and yes... his passion. (Note: Kudos to the interpreters who attempted to simultaneously translate his presentation! No easy task... :-)) Marcel Leboeuf's message is that each of us is called to live our lives with passion, no matter what we do in life. Furthermore, by the way we live that life, we are called to share that passion with others. He's certainly doing his part.

This week at work, my spirit was fed. I needed that.

PAX,

A Bit O' Sunshine...

Just getting back from the movie theatre after seeing one of the most refreshingly funny films I've seen in a long time. Little Miss Sunshine is absurd... poignant... hilarious... quirky... brilliantly acted... The casting was perfect. The actress who played Olive, Abigail Breslin, reminds me of a young Kirsten Dunst, except less precious and more real. What a wonderful way to spend the evening. Thanks Sis!

PAX,

September's Charm...

September (...) joyfully flaunts its crimson independance of spirit. Finally, a month wildly overgrown that wilfully ignores the reigning culture of excellence to which we're all addicted and vividly, unselfconsciously embraces imperfection.

No surprise we love September, with its brilliant, uncombed red hair and its showy love of imperfection - listen to what your newly invigorated sense of possibility is telling you. Pay attention to the thrilling imbalance of warm days and cool nights - that's where to look to find yourself - not in the trimmed hedge and sharply delineated lawn of summer, but in the irregular incidental beauty of untamed roadside grasses, in idle orchards of random asters. - Elizabeth Kelly, editor of Hamilton Magazine

I copied this from a newspaper column on September 2, 2000. It's as appealing to me today as it was six years ago. Elizabeth Kelly, whoever and wherever you are, thank you for capturing the unique essence of my most favourite month. Bring on the fiery hues of imperfection!

PAX,

A Weekend of Wonders...

How do you choose highlights in a weekend of highlights?!!

Was it the road trip itself - quality time spent with my sister as we sped down the highway towards New Brunswick?

Was it singing with my mom, accompanied by four talented musicians on the guitar, mandolin, banjo & bass?

Was it sitting around the fire listening to my aunt & uncle sing the songs they've always sung, their rich harmonies reaching deep into my soul and plucking the strings of my memory like a finely tuned instrument?

Was it playing fluorescent frisbee under a blood red moon? Or maybe running around the field at midnight with sparklers, yelling like a mad-woman along with six other kindred souls?

No, wait! Perhaps it was attending a reunion of descendants of my great-grandfather Crispin Gallant and his wife Délima, and standing alongside my mom & my sister as the only representatives from my Mémére's side?

Then again, could it be meeting and spending time with my parents' broad circle of musician friends? Beautiful & ageless...

I suppose it could also be discovering Le Vieux Québec at night, and rediscovering it anew in the light of day, on the return trip. Could that be my highlight of highlights?

So many to choose from - and many more beyond those listed here...
Sorry, can't be done! Suffice to say that the highlight of my weekend was... my weekend. :-)

PAX,

Happy 80th...

Life. Is. Grace.

Borrowing a statement from his good friend Dorothy Day, Paul Harris used these three simple words to sum up his life. His life thus far, that is. By this, he explained to those gathered to help celebrate his 80 years, he ackowledges that his life has been a series of gifts... gifts from God. And like all gifts, he feels deeply that they are meant to be shared.

Therein lies the beauty of my friend Paul. He is Grace. He is pure gift and I feel so grateful that he has wandered onto my life path.

At his party, I chuckled when I saw the newspaper clipping about a young man from Toronto who hitchhiked to Quebec City in the dead of winter to witness the funeral of Cardinal Villeneuve, Archbishop of Quebec, in 1947. Leaving with nothing but extra socks, a spare shirt and 12$ in his pocket, it took him 3 days and 2 nights. As the story goes, he had 5$ left when he finally reached his destination.

This is the same young man who, later that year, announced to his mother that he was off to Combermere to meet a Russion Baroness that he had read about in a book. Assuring her that he'd be back for supper, he ended up returning home six months later.

Raising a family... establishing a successful career... So much to celebrate! Paul's current passion lies in sharing the teachings of Christian Meditation. He has authored many books on the topic and is sought out by meditators from around the world for speaking tours. Friends from near & far pay him tribute today...

I am fortunate to be one of those friends from near. Life is indeed Grace. Happy Birthday Paul!!
PAX,

Guaranteed Giggles & Broken Links...

It appears that giggles will have to wait! Hallmark web site is having technical problems and none of my links in the post below worked. So I've disactivated them - for now. You'll have to come back soon and experience hoops&yoyo for yourself!
PAX,

Guaranteed Giggles...

hoops&yoyo crack me up! I first discovered them as Hallmark e-cards and ventured onto their website... There is no end of fun with them!!! They offer a lot of useful stuff too - whether you're looking for advice on proper Opening a Door etiquette, or how to politely blow your nose in the workplace. Or perhaps you'd prefer to simply follow their blog to keep up to date.

Whatever your preference, if you're looking for a bit of stress relief, spend some time with hoops&yoyo - they're a source of guaranteed giggles!

PAX,

Un-adult-erated Joy...

Hello!
- Hello.
I'm going camping!
- Really? Lucky you.
Yeah. I'm going camping with my friends.
- Good for you... Have fun!
Yeah. I will.
- Bye.
Bye!

The exchange lasted only a moment, but it has stayed with me. I was walking to cool down after my run yesterday and the little boy was playing in front of his house. He boldy engaged me in conversation, obviously unable to contain his excitement.

When is the last time I was so excited about doing something that I shared it with a complete stranger? Not surprisingly, I can't remember. I suspect that, if I did such a thing, I'd get that look... the one that says "Yeah. OK. Whatever. Wierdo."

Too bad. The world might be a better place if adults allowed themselves to share their joy - and simply accept that of others, without judgement.

PAX,

Attention Intention...

It's Friday morning and I've decided to give a spiritual intention to my day. Since I've been feeling somewhat scattered and unfocussed these past coupla days, I've chosen "Attention".

Spirituality & Practice is a thoughtful, accessible online resource that allows me to bring Spirit into every aspect of my day, including my time at work. Today's chosen practice of Attention calls upon me to be in this moment. To walk with eyes & heart open to what is right in front of me.

May we all walk in such a way...
PAX,

The shape of gratitude...

Gratitude comes in all shapes & sizes... This past weekend, it took the form of a small group of friends sharing time on the shores of Bennett Lake, near Combermere, Ontario. Every summer, my friend Paul extends an invitation to the members of our small Christian Meditation group to join him at his cottage. In fact, it's an invitation to paradise...

Saturday was as close to perfection as I can remember being. Quiet solitude reading on the dock while others napped or hiked... a boisterous game of frisbee-in-the-lake followed by a leisurely swim... a journey-à-deux by canoe around the lake... silent group meditation... a wonderful meal prepared by many willing hands... conversation-under-the-stars of spiritual paths and, in the end, how they all come together. How we all come together. I had the pleasure of having a screened-in porch as my "bedroom" and slept with windows wide open to the sounds of the night. Night as God intended.

The visit was short, but oh-so-very-very-sweet. Admittedly, when I got back home on Sunday, I had trouble adjusting to the noise & activity of the city. I found myself in a foul mood. Luckily, that passed (as all things do), and I was left with a reminder of how important nature is to my spiritual and overall well-being. As much as I love my home & neighbourhood, it is in re-connecting to simple pleasures and experiencing nature with all my senses that I tap into true peace - the presence of God.

Sitting silently in a canoe, on a lake so calm I was losing sense of what was up & what was down, the gratitude was palpable, yet entirely inexpressable in that moment. Words were pointless. Today, I offer up one of my favourite prayers, by Dag Hammarskjold:

For all that has been, Thanks.
For all that will be, Yes.

PAX,

Security...

"I'm worried about my finger. Does it look infected to you?"

John (of no fixed address) shows me his swollen index finger, the handy work of a bicycle chain gone awry. I scrounge around in my purse and pull out a small bottle of Purell to help disinfect the obviously punctured skin. I also slip him a band-aid to help keep it clean. He promises to drop into a medical clinic to have it looked at - a much better alternative then his original idea of heating up a needle himself, and bursting the bubble slowly building up near his knuckle.

Today, John shows me his strapped up hand. Indeed, infection had started to set in and the doctor put him on a round of antibiotics. I was grateful he had a place he could go to for proper treatment. But what truly made me smile was the band-aid holding some of the gauze in place. A pretty, pink Hello Kitty band-aid. :-) Now, there's a man who's secure in his masculinity!

PAX,

Pleasures - big & small...

BIG: Spending oodles of time with Hubby on Aug. 5 & 6 at the Canadian National Track & Field Championships. The weather was perfect. The athletes were inspiring. And Life was as it should be.

SMALL: Buying Hello Kitty Band-Aids, just because... I wore one on my heel even though the blister was pretty much gone. :-)

BIG: Celebrating my Acadian roots with Sis on Aug. 15th and marching in my first tintamarre in years. Turns out the musician playing at the bar was from our home village in New Brunswick!

SMALL: Getting a bunch of free perennials from my neighbour and planting them. All. In one small garden. Next spring should be a revelation! (If they survive the winter :-))

BIG: Planning & delivering a short workshop to a group of teachers from across Canada. Although the experience was brief, it reconnected me with what I love doing. I was in the zone! What a great reminder of why I left the management level...

SMALL: Enjoying waaay too many cheats on my diet - with a special nod to Miss Vicki's Roasted Red Pepper chips and to Rolo Ice Cream. Yum.

BIG: Being able to sleep with the windows open, being caressed by a fresh breeze...

SMALL: Loving my new haircut!

I could go on... but you get the picture. Life is good these days.
PAX,

PPJP Post-script...

Turns out that, after all these years, Sis & I have a different understanding of what PPJP stands for! For her, it stands for post-purchase justification process, not post-purchase justification period. Huh. Who knew?

We briefly tossed around the idea of calling it PPJPP (post-purchase justification process period), but in the end, we agreed to leave things as they were. She has her word; I have mine. It's all good. The important thing is that we're there for each other during those precarious purchasing moments. Thanks Sis!

PAX,

Welcome to my PPJP...

I did something very out-of-character today. Moi, Mlle Consignment Shop Shopper, dished out an exhorbitant amount of money for a single article of clothing. Yes, it was on sale. Yes, I will get a lot of use out of it. Yes, it's gaawwgeous, and therefore made me feel equally gaawwgeous. And yes, I feel guilty.

Welcome to my PPJP.

The "PPJP" is a sister-thing that we came up with; it stands for post-purchase justification period and usually lasts anywhere from 24 to 48 hours. We are a product of our clothes-shopping upbringing: sensible, frugal, Sears catalogue. As adults, we've had to unlearn those old patterns and allow ourselves to spend, spend, spend on clothes - clothes that make us feel good and make us go "wow". Clothes that say "I'm worth it!" But there is an emotional cost to that unlearning, and it's called PPJP. It usually expresses itself in a phone call to the non-purchasing sibling, explaining all the reasons the purchase was valid and necessary. This phone call was duly initiated as I exited the shopping centre.

Today, I even jumped over the pre-PJP phase. This is an occasional occurence where I call my sister before I pull out the credit card in the hopes that: a) she'll talk me out of it, or b) she'll support me in my decision and I no longer have only myself to blame. But alas, not this time. I presented the plastic, hugged my new green crushed velvet jacket, and complimented the sales girl on her selling skills. I'm on my own on this one.

And so, for the next day or so, I get to look at the jacket... touch the jacket... wear the jacket... and tell myself - and anyone else within earshot - that it is indeed, a good thing.

PAX,

You know you're still asleep when...

You know you're still asleep when...
...you're in the shower shaving your legs, and you realize you're using "curl enhancing hair-styling cream" instead of shaving cream. They really need to come up with more bottle shapes. Different product & purpose, different bottle shape. Is that too much to ask?! Sheesh.

PAX,

Post-east coast post...

I've been back in Ottawa for just over 48 hours, yet it already seems to be fading away. The salty scent of the water... the harmonious melody of my mom & her sister as they sing the songs they've always sung... the infectious sound of my cousins' laughter... the comforting taste of my mom's chocolate chip cookies... the scents & sounds of my roots. My home.

Two years is too long between visits - there's simply no reason to let it go that long. Lesson learned. Memories fade too quickly...

PAX,

East Coast Post...

Greetings from sunny New Brunswick... We've been here less than 48 hours and I already feel like we've been on vacation for a week. Sunny, hot, breezy weather. Been to the beach twice already (including sitting through a thunderstorm as it swept by). Went running along the water. I'm grateful that my folks live so close to Kouchibouguac National Park.

I haven't been home for two years. There really is no reason to let it go that long ever again... This morning, as I was having breakfast (fresh berries and sesame toast) outside on the back deck, I was marvelling at what a beautiful set-up my parents have. This is the same house I grew up in (for the most part anyway) yet I never appreciated it in the way I do now. I suspect that's pretty common... Mom & Dad go about the upkeep of the property with dedication & pride. My dad is putting the finishing touches on the new deck he just built - by himself. He did a great job!! As someone whose favourite tool is the phone (to call the handyman-for-hire, of course :-)), I'm so impressed. Wonder why I didn't inherit that ability?!

All for now - I hope to post again before the week's end. We're planning to go to PEI for an overnight stay, then it's off to Tabusintac for my maternal family reunion - the one I haven't attended in five years!! Should be fun...

PAX,

Travellin' on the cheap...

I've just come back from China... or so it seems... thanks to our friends Chris & Kathy, and the wonderful magic of blogging. For the past two weeks, I have followed them on their trip to China, and their journey to parenthood. It's so amazing that they were able to share this experience with us on a daily basis. Who knew their new life with one-year old twin girls would afford them so much free time?! :-)

Now, I wonder where I'll go next? Perhaps Ireland... or Scotland... Whaddabout Kathmandu? Or p'raps I'll simply spend the day commuting in London, or seeking adventure in a NYC taxicab.

Today, the world is truly at my fingertips.
And tomorrow, the road is at my feet. NB, here we come!
PAX,

Random observations...

On my way to the bus stop this morning, I noticed a single shoulder pad on the road. Can't help but feel for the poor woman, stuck somewhere between the 1980's and the 21st century, as she goes about her day - with one shoulder bigger than the other.

As I was looking out the bus window, I also noticed the high number of cars on the road with a single occupant. Can you imagine the impact we could make on climate change if a law was passed stating that all vehicles required at least two occupants in order to be on the road? Even if it was only applicable during certain hours of the day, say from 06h00 - 09h00 and again from 15h00 - 18h00, the effect would be phenomenal!! If you still don't believe global warming is a world-wide emergency, go see An Inconvenient Truth. Run, don't walk, to a theatre near you. Open your eyes, ears and heart, and I dare you to not care after seeing this film... Be sure to stay for the closing credits - you'll learn what you can do to make a difference. It can be a simple as changing a lightbulb...

PAX,

Perfecting imperfection...

In a Navajo rug there is always an imperfection woven into the corner. And interestingly enough, it's where "the Spirit moves in and out of the rug." The pattern is perfect and then there's one part of it that clearly looks like a mistake. (...) Perfection is not the elimination of imperfection. That's our Western either/or, need-to-control thinking. Perfection, rather, is the ability to incorporate imperfection! There's no other way to live: You either incorporate imperfection, or you fall into denial. That's how the Spirit moves in or out of our lives. (Richard Rohr)

I remember reading something like this many years ago, and it struck a chord. I came across the story again recently and felt the need to record it here. My name is jag, and I'm a recovering Perfectionist. I grew up excelling at whatever I did, yet only doing what I knew I could excel at. As a result, I missed out on a lot of potential accomplishments and just plain fun. I also spent a lot of time looking for other people's approval of my "perfection". My name is jag, and I'm a recovering Approval Addict.

I'm happy to say that, in the past several years, I have worked hard - one day at a time - to break out of these patterns. They'll always be a part of me, but thankfully they no longer rule my life. I think that's one of the reasons I've embraced Yoga and Running so fully. I'm allowing myself to be not-so-good at it, and I'm making room for progress. I'm learning that there is a lot of satisfaction in seeing myself improve, bit by bit.

Freedom comes with admitting that I am perfectly imperfect. And, dare I say, I can't remember when I've felt or looked better! I'm right where Spirit wants me to be...

PAX,

Two. Seven. Nine.

Hi Friends... Happy Canada Day + 1! Hope your celebrations were wonderful, wherever you may be.

I started the day by running my first official 5k race - and I posted a personal best! :-) Wearing bib #279 and finishing in 34:16, I'm very pleased. I had no particular goals other than to 1) finish, and 2) improve upon the unofficial time from my Fun Run a couple of weeks back. I accomplished both!! It was especially great (and helpful!) to have Hubby run the race with me - for him, the 5k was a "cool down" after running his best 10k race yet. Congrats!!

I enjoyed seeing how people really get into this, both runners & spectators - even for this relatively small race. Residents would sit on their front lawns and cheer us on... a few of them held up a water hose offering us a much needed cool spray of water to run through. I got a real kick out of watching the "Tot Trot", a short run/trot/walk/waddle for toddlers and kids under five. Too cute! Each one received a medal, which for many, hung down to their knees. :-)

My Canada Day afternoon was pretty relaxed, catching snoozes as we watched the Tour de France. In the evening, I headed downtown and met up with Sis to catch the fireworks. Amazing stuff! People as far as the eye could see.... Admittedly, we positioned ourselves off the Hill for a relatively quick exit; I just can't handle standing still in a bottleneck of thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of people converging through a gateway anymore. Been there. Done that. And the very thought of it started to make my heart pound in a panic. Thanks to Sis for understanding and agreeing to move to a more "open" area. (Although "open" is a generous word downtown on Canada Day night!! :-))

I gotta say though, all this pales in comparison to the excitement of my friends, Kathy & Chris, who, as we were celebrating our national holiday, were in China meeting their new twin daughters! Congrats to the new parents!!

PAX,

Mistaken Identity...

Twice this week, (ie. more than once!), I was asked if my sister was my daughter!! Oy. Now there's a way to put the ego back where it belongs...

It's true, the people who asked only got a quick glance at her. And my sister looks quite young - she has a youthful demeanour and fashion-sense. Appropriately youthful, IMO. And, perhaps if I'd had a child when I was 14, one could mistaken her for my daughter, but come on - my daughter?! Needless to say, my sister got a great laugh out of that, especially since the usual question we get is: Which one is the oldest? (That would be me - by seven years.)

Luckily, I have a healthy sense of humour and will use this incident to incessantly tease my co-workers... and my sister will no doubt bask in the memory of that moment... and I will go to my hair stylist to get that cut n' colour! :-)

PAX,

Running Tourist...

I'll be starting off this year's Canada Day celebrations in a completely new way this year. I've signed up to run a 5K race in Kanata. This time, it's a real race, complete with time chip and a finish line to cross - God willing, of course!

I'm still keeping up with my 3 X week runs, focussing on the 10:1s. Today's run was a sweltering one! Soooo humid... However, as I was doing my post-run stretches, I took a moment to appreciate how lucky I am to work downtown. Today's route brought me around the Centre Block of our Parliament Buildings, following through to & along the front lawn of the Supreme Court of Canada, circling back behind Parliament Hill along the Ottawa River pathway and finishing up at the Ottawa Locks of the Rideau Canal. That's where I stopped to stretch, looking across the River towards the Canadian Museum of Civilization.

As far as city downtowns go, this one is pretty impressive... and impressively pretty.
PAX,

Producing excitement...

I waited with anticipation for the delivery. It was getting dark, but I was told it could be as late as 10pm, so I distracted myself with menial tasks as I waited... and waited... It was only 9:15pm. The minutes danced by and, around 9:45pm, it arrived.

I opened it and my pulse raced. I chatted with the young man who delivered it and could see that he understood my excitement. He knew. Enjoy! See you next week.., he said. Oh, I will - and thanks again!, I responded, and carried it into the house. I set it on a chair in the kitchen and looked at it. I took in the colours and the textures... I reached in and touched... I paused and smelled... and I even tasted.

I've been searching for this exact type of thing for some time now. And here it was - in my kitchen. Because I'll be getting one every week now, I know it is but a beginning... Who knew one could get so enchanted & excited about this?!

PAX,

Hard wired...?

Could I possibly be wired to win?? As a life-long non-athlete, I've often wondered what it was that made others so drawn to sports or exercise. Why not me? And yet, at a pre-screening of a new movie being created for IMAX, I'm told that my brain can be trained to lead my body to accomplishments I can't even imagine.

I guess I experienced that for myself as I completed my first 5Km race earlier this month. When I first started learning to run, that goal was simply beyond my grasp. As I huffed & puffed my way through 2 minutes of continuous running during Week Two, I remember commenting to Hubby that I couldn't imagine running 10 minutes without stopping. He gently reminded me that I didn't have to; my goal for that day was two minutes, not ten. Without consciously knowing it, my brain was learning to cope with this new activity. And today, I can run 10 minutes without stopping.

I can take that personal experience, and multiply it many times over to imagine what professional athletes - such as those competing in the Tour de France - go through. And as for the "why not me?"... I guess that's where the heart comes in. I s'pose it all depends on your heart's desire. And mine simply has its gaze directed elsewhere...

PAX,

The urge to dance...

I was at Westfest this past weekend and found myself noticing people's bodies. More specifically, how their bodies (and mine) spontaneously move in response to music. Same music, yet different movements.

On Saturday night, a couple of hundred rain-soaked heads bopped to the sounds of Skydiggers & Cash Brothers. All bopping, but not always to the same beat. Some people double-bopped, others up-and-down bopped, while some side-to-side bopped... and then of course there were a few who stood freakishly still.

Then on Sunday morning, I listened to two local kids playing rock (electric guitar & drums) and watched a little girl in the audience, surely no more than two, dancing with complete abandon. No matter how heavy the music got, she found her beat and danced. Full body, moving primarily in rythmic circles.

I was reminded of the primal power of music and its intimate connection with our bodies. In so many cultures, this relationship remains spontaneous and natural. Not so in our uptight western world. We seem to have relegated dance and free movement to our dance clubs & studios. It's why we look twice at the free spirit who allows his or her body to fully embrace the music. Am I looking with disdain? Or with envy... Oh! to be an adult who can watch a 2-year old girl dance, and see in her a teacher.

PAX,

Ending... and Beginning

Sunday, June 4:
Well, it's official. I finished cleaning out my office this afternoon. Tomorrow, after close to 20 years working in the field of Heritage Interpretation, I will be starting off in a new career direction: Organizational Learning & Development.

Surreal. I don't think it's sunken in yet that I won't be part of that crazy, dedicated, creative and fun-loving group of co-workers. It'll be weird for them too. Of the 25 or so staff members, only one - our director - has been there longer than me. For everyone else, I've always been there. I have to admit, I had a lump in my throat as I closed my office door for the last time. Surreal.

I'm taking a couple of days off, then on Thursday I start my new job. I'll still be working for the same organization, which is great. I get to start something new, but in a familiar environment. I know I'm excited about it, but I just can't seem to tap into that excitement right now. I'm just sad to be leaving my co-workers... They are really the ones that have kept me motivated over the past year or so. It's been more difficult to get excited about my work lately. When that feeling starting coming on stronger, I knew it was time for a change. I swore I would never "quit & stay".

And so, onwards & upwards - the beginning of a new era for me...
PAX,

A year in the life...

This month, I celebrate one year of blogging. I can hardly believe it! And to mark this prestigious milestone, all I can think of is what a pain it's going to be to calculate the tip at the restaurant once the reduced GST kicks in. "14% of $17.50 is... aww, #*!@... pass the calculator, please!"

I totally forgot it was budget day today. So much for being plugged in just because I work for Parliament!

PAX,

It's not easy being green...

Apparently, I am Kermit.

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone knows it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

How do you rank on The Muppets Personality Test?

(Thanks to Uncle Zio - a.k.a. Miss Piggy - for this...)

PAX,

Feasting...

Today's poem from Spirituality & Practice really struck a chord... especially the very last line. Enjoy!

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

--Derek Walcott

Holy Saturday's Gift...

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to all of us." - Meister Eckhart

"Help us to be the always-hopeful gardeners of the spirit who whow that without darkness nothing comes to birth, as without light, nothing flowers." - May Sarton

It's Holy Saturday and I'm trying to see how this part of the Easter story is relevant to me today. The expression that comes to mind is "sitting in the unknown". I used that expression this past week as I tried to understand my growing impatience & intolerance regarding my job situation. I became very aware of how I am trying to force a solution. I am not trusting that I need to keep doing the footwork, while letting go of the outcome.

Sitting in the unknown is awkward and uncomfortable. And I think therein lies the relevance of Holy Saturday for me this year. That day between the death & resurrection of Jesus represents all that is unknown. It is a time of confusion... I can just imagine the disciples saying: "What the...?! I thought he was going to save us, and now he's been executed in the manner reserved for the worst of criminals?!! What gives?!"

Of course, since we know how the story unfolds, we could say in hindsight that it represents a time of waiting. Hence the Vigil traditionally held on Saturday evening. But personally, I don't think they were waiting 2000 years ago. They must have thought it was all over. All they could do was grieve their loss - and in secret no less (except for the women), lest they be accused of being one of the Nazarene's followers. They must have been mired in self-doubt, wondering if they had been led astray. This scenario seems more realistic to me.

So, perhaps today is a time to practice being OK with sitting in the unknown... in the self-doubt... in the mystery. Today can be a lesson in acceptance. Acceptance of what is, as it is. Easier said than done...

PAX,

What's Good about this Friday...

"There's an old saying: You can't have Easter without Good Friday. Many people today express the desire to have an open heart, a loving heart, a compassionate heart. Well, how do you open your heart? Usually, it's broken open. Jesus on the cross breaks your heart. He breaks it open. You can't look at the crucifixion without having an experience of compassion. Only a heart broken open — one that can have compassion for those who suffer — can truly appreciate the new life represented by Easter." - Sri Eknath Easwaran

Although I'm not a regular church-goer these days, I've always been drawn to attending Good Friday mass. As I grow along my spiritual path, I find there is something powerful about acknowledging the pain that we are all called to experience at some point in our life. The beautiful thing is that, in the context of the Easter story, we acknowledge it, but we don't stay stuck in it. We recognize it as a stepping stone to greater understanding... to growth... to resurrection.

PAX,

Check the headlines...

I thought for sure it would make the front page when it happened, but apparently the fact that Hell has officially frozen over is buried somewhere deep in the local paper. But it must have happened, because just around 12:30pm today, I found myself running. Just running. As in, running for exercise. Stretchy pants... t-shirt that wicks... the perfect running shoes... Yep, Hell has frozen over.

I joined a beginners running group at work. The timing was convenient and it's free, thus eliminating my usual excuses. Today, we ran for one minute, walked for one minute, ran for one minute, walked for one minute... (repeat 10 times). Funny how we perceive the passage of time differently, depending on whether we are running or walking.

As I reported to Hubby this afternoon, the experience - one I thought I would never embark upon - was not a negative one. And so, there is always hope... :-)

PAX,

Thoughts on Love...

"Humans do not want a God of love, because a lover always makes demands." - Richard Rohr

I've been thinking a lot about Love lately. Not the romantic kind, but the divinely inspired kind. At a workshop, I was once asked what gift was I holding back from the world. My answer was easy: Love. Some days, I just don't think the world is ready for the kind of Love I have to give, and I self-censor. Such arrogance. Who am I to hold back on sharing the very essence of God? That's when I know Fear is guiding my decisions.

Over the past several years, I have recognized and known a God of Love at work in my life. And Richard Rohr is right, such a lover does make demands. No longer can I hide behind excuses that I am not good enough... or that I have "sinned" and am therefore unworthy of God's Love. Every day is an exercise in acceptance of who I am. As I am. I am God's beloved and She is mine. And with that come more demands... The demands that the acceptance extend to others, for they too are God's beloveds. Exactly as they are. Not mine to change, or to fix. But simply mine to love.

Some days, my desire to be close to God is palpable and I know He is waiting... calling... For me, Holy Week, and its powerful stories, is a time of remembering what Love can be. The drama of fear, acceptance, rejection, death, life, love... it's all there.

Although my Lenten journey didn't start out the way I had planned, it continues to carry me along a spiritual path. My literary companions have been Richard Rohr and Joan Chittister, whose words never fail to affirm, enlighten, inspire and challenge me.

Here's wishing you a blessed Holy Week - in whatever shape or form you choose to live it.
PAX,

Just a question of time...

Am I the only one who totally forgot to spring forward last night?! I decided to sleep in until God woke me up, which She did around 9:30 am this morning. It's all good. I'm easing into my morning routine and it suddenly occured to me that I'd forgotten to do something before going to bed. Suddenly, it was no longer 9:30 am, but 10:30 am! Damn. I'd just lost an hour.

But, did I really? Hubby corrected me earlier this week when I commented on the fact that we'd be "losing an hour" this weekend. "No we're not. We'll still have the same number of hours - it doesn't just disappear, y'know." Spoken like the true creature of logic that he is. Got me thinking about time... how we define it, how we use it, how we abuse it. How many times have I heard (and said) I didn't have time to do (fill in the blank...). Truth is, we always have all the time there is. It's what we do with it that matters...

My train of thought has been hijacked. I just received an email from a friend letting me know that a mutual acquaintance lost her baby on Thursday at 24 weeks. What wouldn't she give for more time in the life of her baby girl? I'm sure losing an hour this weekend is the least of her concerns. Losing an hour. Losing a life. There's nothing like perspective...

PAX,

Living Lent-like...

"Lent begs us to empty our lives of the trivial and the superficial so that we can come to the things that last -- family, prayer, rich ideas, concern for the globe, the mind of Christ for the human condition." - Joan Chittister, OSB

I can't say I've been living very Lent-like lately. For the past several years, I've relished the arrival of Lent. It all started with a priest who joyfully declared "HAPPY LENT!" at the beginning of an Ash Wednesday service. He daringly proclaimed that Lent could be an exciting, meaningful and growthful time. More than simply giving up some trivial thing like chocolate or chips (gasp!), I vowed to use this period to strengthen my commitment to a God-driven life. I would make time every day for spiritual reading and reflective journalling. Giving up meat on Fridays was a concrete way to remind me to live with awareness. For the past several years, Lent has indeed been a happy time.

Something's different this year, and I need to let that be OK. Like a good Catholic girl, I'm feeling guilty. I suspect Jesus had precious little time for self-centred guilt... and I'm pretty sure I've never seen guilt preached or praised in the Gospels. So I pray for the willingness to let Life flow, according to God's will. Thy will, not mine.

Do you think God's will for me includes Baked Lay's Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips?!

PAX,

Sharing the blogger experience...

Just here showing my friend Paul the inner workings of "the blog". Paul is very interested in this and I hope (someday!) to see a blog from him. He is an accomplished writer and published author who has lived - and is living - a fascinating life. Hope to see you here soon Paul!!
PAX,

Olympic Fever...

There's a part of me that is happy the Olympics are over. Maybe now I'll get my life back! Yes, it was my choice to sit there and watch our Canadian athletes put in their best results ever, but it became downright addictive!

I think my favourite moment came yesterday as I sat on the couch watching Clara Hughes give a gold medal performance in the 5000m speed skating event, tears streaming down my cheeks. The look on her face when she registered that she had won was priceless! My worst moment came as I was cheering for Canadian ice dancers Dubreuil & Lauzon only to see Marie-France go crashing to the ice in the last seconds of their brilliant original dance. I gasped, stared at the TV screen in disbelief and marvelled at how quickly Olympic dreams can disappear. Did I mention the tears streaming down my cheeks there too?

As a non-athletic person, I stand in awe of all athletes who show such determination & dedication to their goals. I'm not a very disciplined person so I can't identify with what drives someone to push themselves in the way that Olympians do... but I certainly can appreciate it and thank them for 16 days of pure adrenalin!

On to Vancouver 2010!
PAX,

Family in cyberspace...

My Oncle Joe just got a new computer.

I received an email from him yesterday via our family e-group. Seems fitting, since yesterday was the 7th anniversary of a Yahoo!Group that allows the direct descendants of Arthur à Johnny Savoie (see above photo: Arthur on left, Johnny on right) to regularly keep in touch despite the thousands of miles that separate us. Cousins, aunts & uncles are spread out over three provinces. Seven years ago, we began an experiment and over 3000 emails later, I feel as close to them as if I'd never left my home province.

Did I mention that Oncle Joe is 81 years old?! Father, grand-father, great-grand-father... he is the figurative patriarch of our fun-loving, musical Acadian family. And he continues to be the hippest octagenarian I know!

Way to go, l'oncle Joe!

Viewing pleasure...

I have recently discovered a place where they let you borrow videos and DVDs for free! It's called a "public library". :-) I used to think it was solely a book borrowing place, but I'm into my third straight week of discovering films & documentaries that I wouldn't have picked up elsewhere... Whether a documentary on American anti-war activist Eugene McCarthy, or a heartwarming film about a terminally ill boy, his mentor and the search for a blue butterfly, or a visual feast with photographer Jim Brandenberg as he is being Chased by the Light, I have been thoroughly challenged and entertained.

For those who may wish to follow this path, I offer this experience-based word of advice: the Library people prefer it if you return the video tape at the same time as the case. Apparently forgetting the tape in your VCR and returning it two weeks later gives them a bit of extra work. Ooops.

PAX,

Seven days...

It's been seven days... seven days since my last dairy product, yeast or fermented product, sugar, tomato or orange. I'm currently on a restricted diet to assess my sensitivity to certain foods. With testing, I showed a reaction to these products... so now I have to remove them from my diet and slowly re-introduce them, one at a time. I need to pay attention to how my body responds to this gradual reintegration.

I never realized how many foods include yeast! Much to my surprise, if I wish to decrease the overgrowth of yeast in my body, I need to avoid sugar. And fruit. And vinegars or cidars. And fermented products like cheese. And fungii. Does one eat a lot of fungii, you may ask? Well, I do enjoy my sauteed mushrooms. But not this week. It's been seven days...

Simple, but not easy. Years ago, I could not understand that saying. I do now. In so many ways. And it applies to this as well. It's simple to avoid certain foods, but it's not necessarily easy. What wouldn't I give for a bag of potato chips right now!!

Oh well, roasted dulse it is...
PAX,

The best time...

WINTER IS THE BEST TIME (by David Budbill)

Winter is the best time
to find out who you are.

Quiet, contemplation time,
away from the rushing world,

cold time, dark time, holed-up,
pulled-in, time and space

to see that inner landscape
that place hidden and within.

Just a little gem I came across on this icy, windy, damp, dark winter night. Gratitude for my warm little home abounds...

PAX,

Impermanence...

I saw a house come down yesterday. Literally. Abandoned since before my time on this street, this house had admittedly become somewhat of an eyesore. It sits on a piece of land that is being developed and, yesterday, in just a few moments, it was nothing but a pile of splintered wood & glass... and hopefully good memories.

Whenever I see an abandoned house, I often wonder what stories would the walls tell - if only they could. What joys and sorrows have taken root in the very floorboards of the house? What made this particular house, a home?

As I watched the obnoxious heavy equipment reach out and pull down the walls of this house, I noticed there were still curtains in the windows. And suddenly, a glimpse of a mattress being tossed about in the chaos. Was this mattress a source of restful comfort for someone, a sanctuary after a long, hard day? Did it set the stage for exciting sexual fulfillment? Or was it a focal point for lonely isolation and tears?

I continued on my way to work, and the message that came to me was this: impermanence. The things that make up my home may some day end up in a heap, being gawked at by strangers. The things that are truly important, God... love... family... friendship..., are well beyond the reach of even the most powerful heavy equipment.

PAX

Power of Secrets...

I wake up to CBC Radio One every morning. My routine usually consists of hitting the snooze button a few times before turning the radio off and getting up. As I said, I "wake up" to the radio; I don't actually listen to it.

This morning, however, a story caught my attention - and I listened. It was about secrets: their power over us and the healing that comes with sharing them. "We're only as sick as our secrets." How many times has that been heard in the rooms of recovery!

The interview was with Frank Warren, author of PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives. About 13 months ago, he decided to invite people to anonymously send him a postcard and share a secret. What started as an experiment has lead to this book and a blog.

What struck me the most in this interview was the way Warren honours and cherishes the secrets that have been entrusted to him. This is no cheap thrill-seeking endeavour; this is an exercise in creating community... in healing community. Sadly, I have to agree with him when he says the response to his invitation - over 10,000 postcards so far - demonstrates the degree of lonliness that exists in our world, despite our numbers and our access to communication tools.

I remember all too well the relief I felt when I first shared what I felt was a most shameful and freakish secret. My friend did not laugh at me or draw back in horror. She looked at me with love and accepted me fully. Y'know, I don't see that friend that much these days. If nothing else, perhaps she was put on my path for that very moment - a moment of a secret shared and a wound healed.

Indeed, we are only as sick as our secrets.

A Family Affair...

Seems blogging has become a family affair! My sister has chosen to share her Urban Living Experiment in cyberspace. I'm thrilled because my sister is a talented writer and one of the most creative people I know. I enjoy her quirky insight and her ability to see something worth writing about in everyday experiences. I'm sure you will too...

Way to go, Sister-Friend!

PAX

Trying to find an answer...

It's hard being a recovering perfectionist... especially when - in my opinion - all is not perfect. Which, of course, is most of the time. I haven't blogged during the last month because I haven't had the energy to write the "perfect" post. It finally dawned on me how ridiculous that is, so here I am.

I've been off work since December 23rd. The cough-that-would-not-end lead me to a naturopath, and to the discover that I was running on empty. I gave myself permission to acknowledge my fatigue and do what I needed to do. I'm back at work tomorrow with a modified work schedule. I'm nervous and afraid of feeling overwhelmed. I'm still not as sharp as I can be. (Witness me putting the paper towels away in the oven earlier today! :-)) And I still tire easily.

One of the unexpected gifts from this past couple of months has been a sense of empowerment in regards to my health. I've been blessed with good health in the past and I haven't had to pay too much attention. That has changed now... and I'm needing to get more involved in my own healthcare. Turns out my GP isn't interested in anything a naturopath has to say. I'm free to go see "those people" if I want, but GP won't comment on anything that comes from them. According to GP, blood tests came back normal, ergo, there must not be anything wrong with me. Keep catching up on my rest. No suggestions from GP for further medical investigation. Grrrr... Disappointment. Anger. Bewilderment.

So, here goes. I know all is not "normal". Time to own my own health. I'm motivated, but overwhelmed at the thought of venturing into this unknown territory. I've always leaned towards a more natural, wholistic approach to life, so we'll see where this journey leads... Wish me luck!

PAX

Dancing with Fatigue...

Seems to me I've always danced with fatigue in one way or another. As a teenager, I remember regularly taking naps after school. And I have a reputation in my family for my ability to sleep in. "It's a gift", I would respond to the teasing. "Not all of us are blessed with it." As an adult, if I don't set an alarm, I usually don't wake up until I've slept for 9 or 10 hours. Usually, I dance along with the ongoing sense of low energy in a manageable way... but not so these days.

Fatigue has taken a strong lead and I am stumbling in my attempts to stay in step. I'm forgetful. I'm baffled by simple decisions. Concentration & focus elude me. I've been down this road before, and this time I need to listen carefully to these signs. I've been caught by surprise though. My life is not in crisis; in fact, it is overflowing with wonderful opportunities and blessings. Of course, what the body registers is: stress. The body doesn't differenciate between "good" stress and "bad" stress. It's all the same to my body.

So, I need to put First Things First and go into self-care mode. It's hard to do that in our society. It takes courage, and I pray I will be given what I need to make the decisions I need to make. Nothing drastic, but difficult decisions nonetheless. Reducing commitments... seeing a doctor... taking time from work... letting go of guilt... putting myself and guilt-free, non-planned time on the top of my To-Do list. Better yet, ripping up the To-Do list completely! One step at a time...

Luckily, we have no plans this Christmas. What a blessing! No commitments, no obligations, no plans. No matter how wonderful this time of the year can be, I can't tell you how excited I am to have nothing to do this Christmas. A friend once said that his wish for me was that I would experience boredom, just for a while. I'll resist the temptation to add "Be bored..." to my list and I'll try to surrender to the experience of self-care. Now THAT would be a true gift.

PAX

The power of waiting...

You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness you feel.
The future must enter you
long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth,
for the hour of new clarity.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

How powerful!! I came across this quote yesterday and was struck by how it described what the season of Advent is all about. Today, for me, Advent is not about waiting for the birth of baby Jesus, it's about waiting in anticipation for the beginning of a new Way. I believe that's what the message is all about. That's why I should pay attention to the story of a baby born in a manger over 2000 years ago.

A lot has happened since I last posted here... Most notably, I've entered a new decade of life! Perhaps that's why I'm feeling especially reflective. Naw, that's not it. Advent always puts me in this hopeful mood!

PAX

U2 can be one of them...

Following an unforeseen turn of events, I found myself surrounded by over 20,000 enthusiastic and adoring U2 fans earlier tonite. By the end of the concert, I was one of them. It's not that I didn't know of U2's music before - it's just that I didn't consider myself a "fan" (ie. Do you know the words to Sunday, Bloody Sunday? Do you know Bono's real name? Do you know that The Edge is not the name of an album?).

The fact is, I don't really follow any band closely. I hardly listen to the radio or to CDs. I was trying to remember the last real rock concert I had been to. I was horrified when I realized it was April Wine's Farewell Tour (before they came back). Then I remembered I had seen Genesis in concert at the Skydome in 1990-something. OK, so that was a bit better!

But, allow me to get back to Bono... please! First of all, the concert was FAN-TAS-TIC... My ears are still hisssssing. Just when I thought the crowd couldn't cheer any louder, somehow they did. WE did! I allowed myself to be carried away by the experience. I was amazed at the effect Bono has on his fans - men & women alike. All he has to do is suit up and show up... and he is adored. He saunters around that stage like he owns it... like he knows something we don't. But whatever he has, he offers us every ounce of it. He stands there, opens his arms and drinks in our energy, then he pours it right back out for us in his singing. Stunning. Absolutely.

I got a real kick out of watching the crowd react to him... of watching him react to the crowd. It was like being involved in a love affair. It was completely anihilating. Yes, there are other band members... and they too are appreciated by the masses. But there's just something about Bono that is mesmerizing. His heart & soul, his entire being, comes out in his performance - or so it seems.

OK. I think I may be hooked. Will it last? Maybe it's just the intoxicating effect of sharing the energy of Bono... or maybe it's just lust. Whatever it is, in this moment, I am one of them.

p.s. I now know his real name! :-)

Passing judgement...

I was speaking to John (of no fixed address) this morning. He announced that he "finally broke down" and went to social services yesterday. He's now on file and will get a street allowance and assistance with rent if he can find a room. I found it powerful when he said that he enjoyed not having to be on welfare, but "welfare or not, you get judged either way". So true. Mea culpa.

It's very humbling to speak to John. He has a no-nonsense attitude and, despite his situation, he always has a smile and a friendly greeting to offer. As I approach, he croons his usual greeting: Heeey, pretty lady! I tease him about his Toronto Maple Leafs hat, which he tries to hide under his hood with a sheepish grin and his dazzling blue eyes.

Good luck, John. Sorry we've judged you. Here's hoping you don't have to spend another winter on the streets...

Gigowatt-saving Gospel...

Project Porchlight (PP) is surpassing all our expectations. We estimate that, by the end of this coming weekend, volunteers will have distributed 10 000 lightbulbs in their neighbourhood. And the expressions of interest keep rolling in. Community groups are realizing that this is a do-able project! This small act of energy conservation is accessible to all of us, regardless of our economic status, our ethnic group, our age, our employment status, our gender, our state of mind... PEI is interested in talking with PP. So is the Ontario Power Authority. The initiative has been highlighted in the media and is being mentioned as far away as Lethbridge and Waskaganich. This week, the Ottawa Business Journal writes about our hope to spread our "gigowatt-saving gospel across Canada". :-)

Indeed, spread the Good News. Change IS within reach!

Quantum Leap of Faith...

Come with me on a journey of exploration; let's link arms in a trajectory whose direction and destiny we'll discover as we go along. Enter into the experience of searching, seeking, exploring and, I hope, discovering. Participate in the task rather than remain a mere observer.

This is the invitation that is extended at the beginning of Quantum Theology (2004), a book I've just started reading. I first discovered its author, Diarmuid O'Murchu, in June 2004 while on silent retreat at Stillpoint. Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to hear him in person at a public lecture here in Ottawa.

When first reading his work, I remember being utterly amazed at what this priest was daring to say. His words echoed so many of my unspoken thoughts! In Reclaiming Spirituality (1997), I heard him say: Increasingly, I find myself in sympathy with the spiritual seekers who claim that formal religion, with its trappings and power games, is proving to be a major obstacle to spiritual growth and development. (p. 31) Could I ever relate!

I consider myself a Catholic-in-exile (for now). I have a deep desire to follow the teachings of Jesus and I honour him as my Beloved Teacher and my Guide. Every day, I pray for the ability to Love as He did, and to Trust in God as He did. Several years ago, I was encouraged by a priest to forget about everything else and simply allow myself to "fall in love with Christ". He sensed that formal religion - with all its doctrines & rules - was indeed getting in the way of my spiritual growth and development. I don't go to church these days... I fully trust the path I'm on and know that God is walking with me, wherever I may be. I haven't completely given up on the church, but admittedly, I don't miss it. Luckily, God doesn't take it personally and can handle my choices.

In response to this choice, O'Murchu offers me another challenge:

(...) most people who become disillusioned with religion do not confront the pain or discomfort religion is causing them; they simply opt out. It is easier to move away rather than face the challenge, guilt and fear which the confrontation might involve.

(Reclaiming Spirituality, p. 79)

And so, I accept the invitation that is extended to me. I will keep an open mind and an open heart. Here's to entering the experience as a full participant. I'll let you know what I find there...

Preparing for Silence...

delicious brilliant universe
an eternity within
celebrate myself
live... speak... think...
listen & learn
laugh... dance... embrace...
trust & heal
surrounded by sacred joy.

(Magnetic Poetry by jag)

A Halloween Dud...

Another All Hallow's Eve has come & gone. Death came to my door. So did a peacock and a triceratops dinosaur. A wizard. A knight. A monster. And a miniature pumpkin. I had candy for 75 kids. A grand total of 7 showed up. Where have all the children gone?!

A friend suggested that perhaps word got out that I was handing out Sour Chews. What's wrong with Sour Chews??!

The Great Lady Lacey...

Last year, on Halloween night, my sister & I fashioned a "ghost" out of a old lace curtain, a paper plate, a wire hanger and a mask. We named her Lacey and she helped us greet the children who came to my door. Before the stroke of midnight, my talented sister had given Lacey a story. Keep reading...

The Legend of Lacey

The great lady Lacey she comes once a year
Her story’s so sad it’s caused many a tear
No one knows for sure how she came to depart
But it’s legend she died of a still broken heart

She’s elegant, classy, so please have no fear
She simply comes looking for one who was dear
She comes in October on All Hallow’s Eve
It’s all part of healing, of trying to grieve

Her beauty and might give glimpse to her strength
Her eyes and her spirit show she’s suffered at length
Oh how she remembers that knock at the door
That told her she’d lost her beloved to war

She remembers him dearly, from a time far away
But nor sadness nor grief has led to dismay
Her courage and faith keep her hopeful each year
That she’ll find him, she’s closer, she feels him, he’s near

So tonight if you’re careful, you may see or hear
Lacey praying or calling, but be there no fear
She’ll be searching as always, with love and with grace
With beauty and spirit, and a gown made of lace.

(Steph – October 31, 2004)

Change IS within reach...

Helping to preserve the environment is as easy as changing a lightbulb. No, really. I mean it! It can be done with a twist of the wrist and a flick of the switch...

Last summer, my friend Stuart was chatting with his buddy Mike about a surprising statistic he saw on Natural Resources Canada's Energy Star web site. If every household in Canada replaced just one regular light bulb with a compact fluorescent, the reduction in pollution would be the equivalent of taking 66,000 cars off the road. "How hard could it be to get everyone to change one lightbulb?", he said. And there it was - the proverbial lightbulb moment. It was the birth of Project Porchlight.

Project Porchlight is a volunteer-based, not-for-profit organization and our ultimate goal is to distribute one free compact fluorescent (CF) lightbulb to every household in Canada. This Saturday, Oct. 29th at 11 a.m. we launch our biggest event yet in Ottawa South. Join us for the party and help us get the ball rolling! Hosted by Alex Munter, our first local community launch is taking place in the parking lot of Giant Tiger at 2480 Walkely Road. Join us and see what all the fuss is about!

Change IS within reach. No, really. I mean it! :-)

Giving Thanks...

On this Thanksgiving weekend, I'm taking a few moments to think about what I have to be grateful for. The practice of gratitude is one that need only take a few moments a day to cultivate, and the rewards greatly outweigh the effort.

When my life was in crisis, I remember keeping a gratitude journal. Every night before going to bed, I would write a short list of five things that I was grateful for that day. Somedays, the list reflected the basics: food, shelter, warm bed, functional body... Other days, I was able to expand my outlook and could appreciate the colour of the trees, a encouraging smile from a friend or the support of my family. I wonder why I stopped doing that? Too busy to stop and take notice perhaps? I tend to give thanks more frequently during the day now, but I don't take quiet time to reflect and develop an awareness of the many blessings I have in my life. In honour of Thanksgiving, here's my list for today - in random order:
- my evolving relationship with God
- AFG
- Hubby
- my somewhat-dysfunctional-yet-oh-so-loving family
- my home & neighbourhood

Yeah, I know. This is the big stuff, but what better day to say it OUT LOUD!!
What are you grateful for?

Perspective...

It's been just over a month since Katrina hit the Gulf Coast, and if I were to believe the evening news on TV, there's not much more to that story. We've now moved on to the jubilation and celebration of the return of NHL Hockey. Woohoo and big whoop!

For a stunning account of the ongoing impact of Hurricane Katrina, check out Operation Eden. I arrived there through the randomness of the world of blogs, and spent some time taking in one photographer's personal story. It was time well spent.

As I begin to feel restless and whiny because of this cold-that-will-not-end, I am reminded that, just for today, I have everything I need. I have the opportunity to rest in my cozy home... I have immediate access to clean drinking water (or juice, or tea, or my heart's desire)... I am a short bus ride away from medical attention... My voice may have dropped an octave or two, and my nose may be raw from the blowing, but tonite, I will find sleep waiting for me under my favourite quilt.

I offer my prayers to those whose stories are still unfolding. I'm sure you wish that all you had to be dealing with was a cold-that-will-not-end.

A state of mind...

I saw a man collapse on the road today, just metres away from the finish line of a half-marathon race. What makes a person keep running, and running, until they lose control of the very muscles they depend so heavily on? And I saw many others - older than me... heavier than me... - approach the finish line with a triumphant smile and tears of exhilaration. What's the difference between them and me? My body is fit. My body is strong (although untested). I can only conclude it is a state of mind that differenciates us. Or perhaps a degree of insanity.

Hubby completed his 5th marathon today. Yay for Hubby! He didn't reach his goal and is struggling to find the best way to fuel his body throughout that gruelling distance without becoming nauseous and wanting to throw up. In his words, his tactics are all there - he just needs to figure out the nutrition part. So he'll keep on trying, and I'll keep on cheering him on.

The dangerous thing is, every time I see one of these races - and the insane people who run them - I think to myself: could I do that if I really wanted to? What's to stop me, save for a degree of insanity?

Looking back on 15 years...

Can someone please 'splain to me how we get from September 12 (last post) to September 22 (today) in a blink of an eye?! Yikes... When I first created jag e*space, my hope was to write at least once a week, ideally a couple of times a week and eventually progress to writing a bit every day. Luckily I left the timeline open!

Fifteen years ago today, I was walking around in a blur of white lace & flowers. It was probably around this time of day that Mom stopped me and thrust a ham-on-kaiser sandwich in my hand, in the hope that I wouldn't collapse from hunger as I walked down the aisle.

Through easy times & difficult times, here we are - Hubby & I - still married after 15 years. We're two of the lucky ones... we almost didn't make it here. On our 10th wedding anniversary, we had dinner together but were living apart. In those dark days, a 15-year celebration was far from my mind. But God's plans are much bigger than what my mind can imagine. Through His grace, we were given the courage to give our Life together another chance. Like I said, we're two of the lucky ones! As I look back, here are a just a few of the things I have learned (in random order):

• the wedding is the easy part; it's the marriage that calls for a daily decision to accept the other as they are (and hope that they do the same!)
• it's OK if the garbage doesn't go out for another week
• it's important to have individual interests, but it's essential to carve out time for togetherness
• let Hubby & his mother be as they are - they'll be just fine
• when Hubby & Mum-in-law are making dinner in the kitchen, it's best to stay in the living room
• when you strive to remove obstacles (such as control and judgement), Love really does grow exponentially
• raising your voice gets in the way of the message, and being silent gets in the way of your Voice
• some of the best talks are had when walking hand-in-hand
• we both have the right to make mistakes, and the opportunities to make amends
• intimacy takes many forms
• Life doesn't get much better than a Hubby I love, a good book and cup of coffee at Bridgehead Coffeehouse.

Thanks Babe! Life really is good. Here's to us - one day at a time...

Caveat emptor...

Let the buyer beware... Allow me to share my costly lesson so that you may avoid a similar situation in the future.

If you are a Bell Canada customer and are making a long-distance phone call using your calling card, always... ALWAYS... dial into the Bell service at 1-800-555-1111 in order to complete your call. Do not assume that the local telephone service will advise you that your Bell service is being blocked and that you are now tapping into the services of the local carrier.

A 3-minute payphone call to Ottawa from Philadelphia, using my calling card number directly, ended up costing me a whopping $23.12. At no point was I advised that my Bell Service could not be accessed and the call was automatically interpreted as a collect person-to-person call by the local carrier. I made 5 such phone calls during my short stay in Philly, luckily none of them lasted longer than five minutes. Ouch.

When I contacted the Calling Card department at Bell Canada to enquire how I was supposed to know that I needed to dial 1-800-555-1111, I was told it was written right on the front of my calling card. I guess she was referring to the calling card that I never carry around because I've memorized my PIN. Ouch. Ouch.

Caveat emptor... Although I haven't been scammed outright, I certainly do feel duped. The good news is: now I know - and it won't happen again.

Planning for future health...

Why is it so difficult to do what we know is best for us?! I started up my yoga class again this morning. I basically haven't stretched since May 2005. It felt so good to be back at it, yet I know that tomorrow, there will be pain. My teacher spoke of an ancient sanskrit word which translates to something like "planning for future health". It is a concept that dates back thousands of years, and we're still trying to figure it out.

Taking it to a whole different level, this same message came through loud & clear on Thursday evening as I sat and listened to Dr. David Suzuki give a talk as part of a fundraiser for USC Canada. It was my first time hearing him in person and I'm still processing the experience. I can't say I like hearing what he has to say - I don't think many people do - but I know I have to listen anyway. He speaks with great passion and conviction... and he doesn't mince words. I can see why some would find him difficult to accept; he certainly has no love for economists and SUV owners!

I find it baffling that our society, in general, values the intellect above all other faculties. Our brains... our ability to make decisions and shape our future... these are the things that set us apart from the rest of God's creatures! And yet, when scientists from around the world - the best of the best - issue a dire warning to humanity as they did in 1992, no one pays attention. For some bizarre reason, we continue to believe that we are separate from the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we ingest: the elements that give us our very life.

David Suzuki's message can be overwhelming. The predictions of scientists seem too incredible to believe. After all, scientists & engineers were the ones who predicted that the city of New Orleans was a disaster waiting to happen - how could we possibly take them seriously?!

Hubby & I bought toilet paper made from 100% recycled paper today. We refilled on our chemical-free cleaning products, we picked up a staple-less stapler and two more Compact Fluorescent bulbs. It may not be much, but it's something. There are many ways to plan for future health...

"If you drive an SUV, you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror because you don't give a shit about the environment." - David Suzuki (to his audience at the USC Canada event)

The challenge of democracy...

In a democracy, every citizen, regardless of his interest in politics, "holds office"; every one of us is in a position of responsibility; and in the final analysis, the kind of government we get depends upon how we fulfill those responsibilities.

We, the people, are the boss, and we will get the kind of political leadership, be it good or bad, that we demand and deserve.

John F. Kennedy in Profiles in Courage (1956)

I came across this quote as I was going through some papers yesterday. It was hurriedly scribbled in a notebook during our visit to the JFK Library in Boston this past summer. It struck me then, and it struck me even more this time.

In light of ongoing heavy criticism of government happening in the States, as well as the particularly toxic parliamentary session we had here in Canada this past spring, I am reminded that I have a responsibility too. I've never really been politically active (other than making sure I vote in elections), but I'm realizing that I have stronger opinions on issues then I've ever had before. I just don't know what to do with them! Often, as my awareness grows, so do my feelings of utter powerlessness. And anger. I am angry that poverty exists to the extent that it does - how did we ever let it get so bad?! I am angry that politicians don't see that the state of the environment is the #1 issue that needs to be addressed... NOW! Without that, there is nothing else. I get frustrated and overwhelmed by my own inadequacy.

JFK's quote challenges me... am I up to it?

Rumours that kill...

I caught a story on the news today that made me weep. During a religious pilgrimage in Baghdad, rumour of the presence of a suicide bomber began to make its way across a crowded bridge. The ensuing panic and stampede resulted in 700 -800 people dead and hundreds more injured. All this vibrant life, ended by a rumour. That's terrorism at its "best" (and therefore at its worst), in my opinion. Terrorism is not a person, nor is it a faction. It is not anything we can see or touch. It is a strategy of fear that simply cannot be stopped with bombs or weapons. There is only one thing that works against fear, and that is Love. That may sound too simple; Truth often does. Just think about it on a much smaller scale: when we were kids and experienced fear, where did we find relief? Most often, in the embrace or presence of someone who loved us.

There can be no war on terrorism, especially not using military means. It just doesn't make sense. And today, physical weapons were not even needed to kill hundreds of people just like me. All it took was a rumour.

Man, our world really needs a hug right now. My heart weeps...

The end of an era in Westboro...

These be sad days in Westboro... After 30 years, Andy's Restaurant on Richmond Rd. is closing its doors. One of the finest of its genre - the venerable greasy spoon diner - Andy's is being replaced with a mexican food restaurant. Mexican?! Will they serve me mushy scambled eggs & glistening breakfast sausage on Saturday mornings? Will the waitress remember that I take decaf with milk... and that I prefer tomato slices to homefries?! I doubt it.

Andy's has become part of my weekend routine ever since I moved to this neighbourhood. Why would I make breakfast at home when I could go to Andy's with a book, a friend or a Hubby, and have someone else cook for me - all for a whopping $4.30 plus tip?! Not surprisingly, Andy's is also a meeting place... less than two weeks ago, we stopped in for a quick breakfast and ran into friends we hadn't seen in much too long. We'd been trying to coordinate getting together, but to no avail. Yet we all found time for breakfast at Andy's.

Whether I was reading a book, sharing time with a friend, or just listening to the ambient sounds of Life and conversation, Andy's had become a home away from home. Andy & Mona: enjoy your well-deserved retirement and know that you'll be missed. But you still have four more days and you can expect me at my usual time!

Comment spam - blech...

Turns out that there is a phenom known as "comment spam". I should have known. Following my first incidence of advertising garbage being posted in my comment section, I've added a word verification feature. This simply means that you'll need to tap in a few more keystrokes before being able to post a comment. Sorry for the inconvenience, but t'is the world we live in, friends!

Stepping Forward...

In the day or two following my last post, I can't tell you how many times I thought about going back and deleting it. I know there aren't a lot of people who even read this blog, but I still had an uncomfortable reaction to putting myself out there. What would people think of me, knowing that I'm not always the confident person I purport to be? Would this not affirm that I am indeed a fraud?! Two steps forward, one step back. Speak your Truth, then take it back. I've heard this pattern described as that of the spiritual journey. When there is a spiritual breakthrough of some sort, no matter how small, the ego becomes afraid of losing its control and it reacts. The internal tapes begin to play: What have you done? You've let the mask drop and others will see the True you - warts n' all! Do you really want that?!

As scary as it feels, I want to answer YES. The mask just gets too heavy to carry around... And the interesting thing is that, many times, I realize that the mask wasn't needed anyway. There are those blessed days when my insides DO match my outside... when I am confidently rooted in the knowledge that I am a beloved child of God. I look around and, as my friend Zio says: It's All Good.

Feeling our pain moves us into shadow, where we reclaim the denied parts of ourselves. This leads to developing a voice that grows increasingly authentic and full-throated with each newly claimed aspect of our identity. We are no longer speaking from a foundation of self that is riddled with fault lines. The more unified we are, the more authenticity our voice contains. We voice ourselves into being. (Helen LaKelly Hunt in 'The Hero's Journey", Spirituality & Health, October 2005)

Speaking Truth...

In the last 24 hours, I have had at least two people entrust me with their Truth. One of them spoke of a deep shame carried around for over 30 years; I am truly humbled by her trust in me. The other, although more public with his pain and sadness, continues to inspire me to choose honesty & integrity.

A few days ago, I too shared a deep shame with another and was rewarded with tears of relief. And now that it's out, and I can step back and look at what I'm carrying inside - a nagging sense that I will never be enough just as I am. When accepting a compliment from another, there is often a silent, critical voice that says: ...but if you only knew what a fraud I am, you wouldn't say that. Now that it's been out-ed, I can better see it for what it is: an illusion... an illusion based on unrealistic standards set by no one else but me. And so, the task of simply letting go of that illusion begins. It won't be easy; that false voice has been deeply whispering those un-truths for a long time. But it's time to give way to a stronger Voice.

This reminds me of something I wrote a few years ago, when reflecting on the God of my own understanding...

You are the Voice that whispers;
You are the Voice that roars;
You are the Flame that dances with joy and rage.

A heartfelt thanks to those who have the courage to speak their Truth...

Fêtons le 15 août...

BONNE FETE DES ACADIENS!!

I tried to teach my 19-month old niece the song Viens voir l'Acadie this morning. Unfortunately she was stuck on "moo-moo, e-i-e-i-ohhh!" Maybe next year.

In the meantime, learn more about my culture - either in English, ou ben encore mieux, en français.

Have you hugged an Acadian lately??

More Philly Delights...

Wow! Day Two in Philly was quite something...

Did you know Philadelphia has one of the (if not THE) most extensive Mural Arts programs in the U.S.? I did a walking tour yesterday and was amazed at what I saw. One of the most fascinating was a series of mosaic murals by Isaiah Zagar, using everyday, cast-away objects. Such expression! As my own neighbourhood of Westboro is showing signs of murals here & there, I'm inspired about what this artform can add to a community...

And the biggest treat of the day? Last minute tickets to see the Bolshoi Ballet perform Spartacus!! It was performed at the Mann Centre for the Performing Arts and I was there. What an adventure, considering that we didn't know it would be an outdoor venue and we didn't even have our tickets before we asked the taxi driver to drop us off out there. What an amazing evening of dance, music and new friends.

Oh yeah, and I did a workshop on data and variation analysis. That IS why I'm in Philly afterall... :-)

TTFN...

Greetings from Philly...

Greetings from sweltering Philadelphia, PA. Arrived this morning, a day before my conference workshops begin. This was an unexpected trip, but one I'm grateful for nonetheless. I've never been to Philly before. First impressions? It's a weird one, but I can't help but notice how many smokers there are! I've been walking around most of the afternoon and have had a hard time avoiding breathing in second-hand smoke. Bizarre. And no cool public toilets like they have in Boston.

My second first impression :-) is the architecture. Wow! So many phenomenal buildings... No wonder I feel light-headed: I've spent most of the afternoon looking up! Or maybe it's a simple case of dehydration.

Went to see the Liberty Bell. Not too sure what all the fuss is about. It's a bell - and it's cracked t'boot. The security to get in to see the Bell was incredible... it rivalled Parliament! I suppose it's because it's the same entrance way as Independance Hall, where the Declaration of Independance was signed. In any case, I've been in Philly for less than 6 hours and I've seen the Liberty Bell and the LOVE sculpture in JFK park. You know, the one with the LO on top, and the VE on the bottom? Pretty cool.

Time to go and cool off now. Did I mention it was sweltering in Philadelphia?!

The breath that is...

A contribution from Stéphanie, sister of my heart...

The breath that is

Why is it so difficult for us to live in the moment?
To embrace what is, instead of what was or what will be?
Why can’t we just listen, stop, enjoy
the breath that is near, that is here?
The breath that was is gone.
The breath that will be is not real.
What’s real is here, is what is.

Written on a sunny Saturday morning after pouring myself a cup of coffee, while listening to a mystery bird sing outside my window. July 2, 2005

Stuck...

I'm in a writing rut. So there is only one answer: Haiku.

Words are not coming
Creative juices are stalled
In silence, I hear...

Life calling to me:
Don't try so hard... let Me flow!
Live. Love. Trust. Rest. Be.

Memorial...

It appears there were many who were saddened by Tim's death. Find out more about Tim and the legacy of a homeless man...

An empty corner...

I received some sad news on my way into work today. Tim, the homeless man who offered me food back in May, passed away on July 4th. He died of a heart attack; he was 47 years old. I was on vacation at the time and just found out today. I wondered why he wasn't at his corner when I walked by yesterday. Now I know.

I'm struggling to remember what we spoke of when I last saw him. If I had known it would be the last time, I would have paid more attention. Was that the day he had the hiccups that wouldn't go away? Was that the day he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze before I continued on my way? I wish I could remember...

I'm feeling very sad right now.

Beantown Discoveries...

Amidst all the tourist attractions, here are a few of my favourite finds so far:

Whole Foods Market: Located just a block from our hotel, this store offers organic food & natural/environmentally-friendly products as the norm. With our tiny kitchenette, this place has been a God-send. We gotta get one of these in Ottawa!

American Apparel: I bought $130.00 USD worth of sweatshop-free T-shirts here, only to find out that they have a store at the Rideau Centre in Ottawa! I now know of at least one place where I can buy clothes guilt-free (other than the reckless spending, of course...)

Apropos Shoes: Made in Lawrence, MA (north of Boston), these shoes are light-weight, immediately comfortable, fully machine-washable and affordable. I bought two pairs!

Automated City Toilet: Yes, you read that right! For $0.25, you get guaranteed cleanliness and a disinfected loo, right there on the street corner. Complete with muzak, to enhance your "experience". Did I try it? Well... I really, really had to go! :-)

Funny how none of these were in the tourist brochures we picked up...

Expectations...

Expectation is pre-meditated resentment. Or so I've been told. And so I've learned. Again.

My first day or so in Boston was plagued by this subtle, downward-tugging feeling of disappointment... and my vacation had hardly even begun! I felt hyper-critical and short-tempered. What was that all about?! Why the heaviness? I certainly didn't want my entire holiday to be coloured with this feeling, so I acknowledged it & did a quick scan. Here's what came out:

• Our road trip got off to a late start and took longer than expected. Late departure. Heavy traffic. Torrential rainfall on the I-90. Late arrival to our destinations. It's not what I expected.
• Our hotel room in Boston looks nothing like the picture on the web site. Yes, we have a kitchenette and a Queen-sized bed, but it's not what I expected.
• The greatly anticipated lecture by Joan Chittister was a bit disappointing to me. Her words, as always, were powerful and thought-provoking, but admittedly, I was underwhelmed by her presence that day. She read from a prepared speech and, as a result, it felt (to me) re-hearsed and re-done. It's not what I expected.

All this within the first 48 hours of our 10-day trip. Do we see a pattern here, friends? I do. I need to take my expectations and stuff 'em! They are indeed pre-meditated resentment & disappointment.

Plans are OK, but I need to remember that I'm NOT the Master Planner. I want to be open to whatever today's experience will offer. And it may fall short... or it may blow me away beyond my wildest delight! Like yesterday's *un*expected treat of meeting Richard Rohr (new link!) on the way to my first class. I recognized him, introduced myself and we chatted informally all the way to class. Even had a chance to introduce him to Hubby. I didn't even know I had the possibility of expecting that! :-) Amazing what can happen when I just let go of expectations...

Greetings from Beantown...

I couldn't tell you the last time Hubby & I took a holiday together, one that didn't involve visiting family Down East. We arrived in Boston late last night after a long drive (in the pouring rain!) from Stowe, VT. The motivation for this holiday is my auditing a 1-week evening course at Boston College. For the next week, I'm a "stoont" once again! Tourist with Hubby by day; student with Richard Rohr by night. Best of both worlds...

My "academic career" started off this morning with a lecture by Joan Chittister, OSB. Her talk was on Responding to Evil: Being Christian in America Today. She certainly doesn't mince words. Her reference to "economic pedophilia" (child slave labour being used to feed our insatiable consumerism) was especially shocking and, in my opinion, entirely appropriate. That is her goal: to shock us out of our complacency so that we may find the courage to stand up and speak out against injustice and modern "evil".

All for now... more later. To my family reunion-ing Down East this weekend - sending you LOVE.

A weekend to remember...

A poem of gratitude for 50,000 of my closest friends, gathered this past weekend for celebration and fellowship...

SWEET SURRENDER

Wisdom reigns in the rooms of recovery
No longer alone, we love and we laugh
The walls come down and the work gets done
And the Truth will set us free.

For your courage, I thank you Ruth
You are what it's all about
The walls came down and the work got done
And the Truth has set you free.

50,000 stories to be told
100,000 hands to hold
Higher Powered by one Authority
Words fail me - this is the real deal.

Wake up! The free ride is over
Get out there and give it away!
Trust God. Clean house. Help others.
Yes indeed - this Truth has set me free.

- created by jag