The crash...

The higher the mountain, the deeper the valley...

I've been on a high of activity and creativity lately. Lots of great things going on!

• work is busy with exciting projects that will soon come to fruition...
• creativity has been burning with photography and the creation of quote notes galore...
• community is being built by engaging with online photo groups...
• limits are being pushed by preparing for my second 10K run on Oct. 12...
• excitement levels are climbing for our upcoming trip to Montreal to see Jason Mraz in concert...
• connections are being nourished by getting together with friends & family for quality time...
• love is being tended to by spending precious time with Hubby...
• faith is being restored by finding bits of time for meditation...

Is it any wonder I crashed today?! Nothing. Depleted. Empty.

I'm grateful for the wisdom & experience that told me to simply go home. I was useless at work: couldn't focus... couldn't keep my eyes open... couldn't type to save my life.

The afternoon nap surely helped, but so will an early-to-bed night. Self-care is no longer a difficult choice for me...

pace e bene,

Being where I'm at...

Yeah. I know. It's been a while...

I've been laying very, very low lately. My energy cycle is at a low point and I've been limiting my activities to a minimum. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it, or talk about it, or even be OK with it. I've gotten into some bad habits and am trying not to be overly judgemental about it. Thing is, are these really habits truely "bad"? Or, are they where I need to be right now? Are they simply choices that are not in my best health interest right now? Or, am I being over-analytical about how I'm spending my time? (I suspect this last one to be truest...)

What are these so-called "bad" habits, you may wonder? Probably not-so-bad, actually. But I know they are not supportive of a return to full health and energy. Habits like:

• skipping my regular grounding practices, such as meditation and exercise...
• procrastinating on commitments I've made to others - and to myself...
• not checking email for fear of what I might find there (ie. more stuff I need to do)...
• sitting in front of the TV for hours at a time, watching something - or nothing...
• isolating myself...
• not blogging regularly (ie. getting out of my head)...
• eating copious amounts of potato chips...
• not sticking to my optimum diet (ie. eating things that I know are toxic to my body)...

A while back, a friend of my sister's shared some wisdom she had received and wrote this on her blog:

Fatigue can do many things including making us feel old and spent when really we're not. When really we're vibrant, beautiful and ambitious, yearning for the excitement and challenge that feeds our soul. When really all we might need is a few good nights' sleep, nutritious food to replenish our bodies (preferably prepared for us by someone else!) and walks along the Canal. When really we could use unscheduled, free time to explore possibilities, be, and dream up our next adventures. Yup ... fatigue will curb that in a flash!

Those words ring so true for me...

Whether I call it fatigue, low energy, low-grade depression, or whatever, one thing I know for sure. It sucks. And I need to trust that this too shall pass...

Pace e bene,

Surrender...

My fever seems to be pretty much gone, but my body remains achy and tired. And so goes my Spirit. Achy & tired.

I'm in that space - again - where I doubt what my own body is telling me. Why is it so hard for me to listen?! Perhaps because I don't like what I hear... I hear fatigue, and I thought he and I had parted ways. For good. But I guess that was wishful thinking. It was naive of me to think we'd never be together again.

I can only hope that there is a clear reason. When it comes to my health, I am comforted by reason. Mystery is not a welcome guest. If I can attach causality to this bout of fatigue, then I know for sure that this too shall pass. Yes, I suppose running a fever means my body has been doing battle, and that might be enough to invite fatigue. My body has been doing what it is naturally programmed to do, and I need to get out of its way.

Body and Ego are at odds. I've danced this dance before. Ego needs to surrender and let the Body find its guilt-free rest.

Pace e bene,

Staring into the spiral...

Leave it to family to lovingly nudge - dare I say, push - me off my pity pot... if, indeed, that's where I was sitting. Talking to Hubby on Friday night about how frightened I was feeling, he offered a simple perspective: "You haven't been getting enough sleep. You've been going to bed late every night this week... Why don't you try to get to bed earlier." Yes, this sounds like the male tendency to offer an immediate solution, but he does have a point. It has been a busy time and I have been going to bed late.

After reading my last post, Sis called on Saturday to see how I was doing. As I shared with her what my day was like on Friday, she laughed... not at me, but with me. She recognized all too well what she called "the downward spiral". For those of you who have never experienced the devolution of stinking thinking, the internal dialogue sounds something like this:

• Man, am I ever feeling tired. I can hardly move.
• I'm not sure I have much to give to the job today. Maybe I should stay home? I don't want to be a slacker though...
• OK, I've got nothin', so I'm staying home. I'm going back to bed.
• Wow, I just slept for another two-and-a-half hours. Why did I need that? What's wrong with me?!
• God, look at this place. I haven't even put away the Christmas decorations yet. Who the heck has a creche out on display in March?!! I can't deal with putting that stuff away right now. Am I ever lazy...
• Why are there no clean towels? Sheesh, you'd think I could do a load of laundry or two. How did I let it get to this point?! What a loser I am...
• Man, I am so tired. I have no energy. It must be my diet. Why did I have to eat that piece of cake on Wednesday? And the chips on Thursday?? I'm such a weakling... What if I'm developing some sort of eating disorder?!!
• I should really make that soup before all that broccoli goes bad. I hate wasting food, but I'm too tired to cook. Why do I always waste food? I'm so irresponsible...
• What a waste of a day... all I did was sleep and watch TV.

...and so on. This downward spiral can easily continue unless some external force comes in, usually in the form of an outside perspective. And this, my friends, is why I decided to share what I was feeling. I was once told that I shouldn't venture into in my head alone - it can be a dark & dangerous place. :-)

I'm happy to share that my foray into the downward spiral was short-lived. It was a great reminder that these times will come along and, as with all times, they too shall pass.

PAX,

Change is... difficult.

When it comes to my health, I tend to scare easily. In fact, I'm freakin' out a bit today... I'm tired. Empty. Devoid of energy. I have felt like this before for extended periods of time and I don't want to go back there. I'm scared. I want to fix "it" (whatever it is) and I want it done quickly. Now. Spoken like a person who has truly been blessed with good health for the majority of her life, non?

I suspect my diet has a lot to do with it. Last year, I discovered that a lot of what I was eating was toxic for my body. Yeast. Sugar. Fine for many, but not so for me. When I was too sick to work last year, it was easier for me to make the changes required to get better. Motivation was high and I made the changes I needed to make. I began to feel better... much better. In fact, I felt better than I could ever remember feeling! Energy. Stamina. Positive outlook. Weight loss. It was great!!

Hmm, I'm feeling good... this little slice of cake won't hurt me. Nor will this piece of chocolate. Mmmmm, potato chips. Small amounts of toxins that I am willingly ingesting. On their own, harmless perhaps, but the cumulative effect shouldn't be ignored. The way I'm feeling today may be enough to scare me into, once again, making the changes I need to make.

Sounds simple enough, but lately the cravings have been very strong. I have been unsuccessful in avoiding the foods I need to avoid, and I feel guilty and ashamed. And sick. And tired.

And so, I put it out there... this guilt... this less-than-perfection... this shadow. I pray for the willingness to turn it over and for the ability to make healthy decisions - one day at a time.

Or maybe I'm coming down with the flu.

PAX,

Starting in darkness...

It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new year.
And I feel empty.

For me this year, Christmas was high on family & comfort... and low on Spirit. Advent came & went with no contribution from me. I am devoid of any excitement or enthusiasm for this traditional time of new beginnings.

I'm in that space where God seems absent. I know He's not, but I just can't seem to connect with Her. I'm in that place of un-knowing, of un-certainty, of un-connectedness... and my spiritual teachers tell me that this is where I need to stay in order to grow closer to God.

In order to know God,
I need to become comfortable with un-knowing God.

Believe it or not, I am grateful to be here - in this space. Experience has taught me that this too shall pass... and all will be well.

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word "happy" would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. " - Carl Jung

PAX,

Trying to find an answer...

It's hard being a recovering perfectionist... especially when - in my opinion - all is not perfect. Which, of course, is most of the time. I haven't blogged during the last month because I haven't had the energy to write the "perfect" post. It finally dawned on me how ridiculous that is, so here I am.

I've been off work since December 23rd. The cough-that-would-not-end lead me to a naturopath, and to the discover that I was running on empty. I gave myself permission to acknowledge my fatigue and do what I needed to do. I'm back at work tomorrow with a modified work schedule. I'm nervous and afraid of feeling overwhelmed. I'm still not as sharp as I can be. (Witness me putting the paper towels away in the oven earlier today! :-)) And I still tire easily.

One of the unexpected gifts from this past couple of months has been a sense of empowerment in regards to my health. I've been blessed with good health in the past and I haven't had to pay too much attention. That has changed now... and I'm needing to get more involved in my own healthcare. Turns out my GP isn't interested in anything a naturopath has to say. I'm free to go see "those people" if I want, but GP won't comment on anything that comes from them. According to GP, blood tests came back normal, ergo, there must not be anything wrong with me. Keep catching up on my rest. No suggestions from GP for further medical investigation. Grrrr... Disappointment. Anger. Bewilderment.

So, here goes. I know all is not "normal". Time to own my own health. I'm motivated, but overwhelmed at the thought of venturing into this unknown territory. I've always leaned towards a more natural, wholistic approach to life, so we'll see where this journey leads... Wish me luck!

PAX

Dancing with Fatigue...

Seems to me I've always danced with fatigue in one way or another. As a teenager, I remember regularly taking naps after school. And I have a reputation in my family for my ability to sleep in. "It's a gift", I would respond to the teasing. "Not all of us are blessed with it." As an adult, if I don't set an alarm, I usually don't wake up until I've slept for 9 or 10 hours. Usually, I dance along with the ongoing sense of low energy in a manageable way... but not so these days.

Fatigue has taken a strong lead and I am stumbling in my attempts to stay in step. I'm forgetful. I'm baffled by simple decisions. Concentration & focus elude me. I've been down this road before, and this time I need to listen carefully to these signs. I've been caught by surprise though. My life is not in crisis; in fact, it is overflowing with wonderful opportunities and blessings. Of course, what the body registers is: stress. The body doesn't differenciate between "good" stress and "bad" stress. It's all the same to my body.

So, I need to put First Things First and go into self-care mode. It's hard to do that in our society. It takes courage, and I pray I will be given what I need to make the decisions I need to make. Nothing drastic, but difficult decisions nonetheless. Reducing commitments... seeing a doctor... taking time from work... letting go of guilt... putting myself and guilt-free, non-planned time on the top of my To-Do list. Better yet, ripping up the To-Do list completely! One step at a time...

Luckily, we have no plans this Christmas. What a blessing! No commitments, no obligations, no plans. No matter how wonderful this time of the year can be, I can't tell you how excited I am to have nothing to do this Christmas. A friend once said that his wish for me was that I would experience boredom, just for a while. I'll resist the temptation to add "Be bored..." to my list and I'll try to surrender to the experience of self-care. Now THAT would be a true gift.

PAX

One of those days...

Today's been one of those days... You know the kind: the energy is just not there. My body feels unsettled and it seems like I'm always a few steps behind a full breath. I feel like crying, but there's nothing I need to cry about. I stayed home from work and I slept... and slept... and slept a bit more. There was a time when I wouldn't have allowed myself to stay home, but thankfully those days are mostly gone. Today, I strive to listen to what my body & spirit have to say.

On 99% of mornings, I wake up and think nothing of getting ready to take on a day at the office. I enjoy my job and I genuinely like and care for the people I work with. So on those mornings, like today, when I wake up and the debate is already raging on in my head - I'm not feeling like my usual self... Should I go? Should I stay home and rest? What will people think? Do I care? - I know I need to get out of my head and listen to my intuition. Something is not right and I'd best take heed.

So, here I am, struggling to let it be alright that I feel crappy. I don't know why I feel crappy - that's just the kinda day it's been...