Blissed & Blessed...

Forty-three years ago today, a baby girl was born. She grew up to be the woman I am today.



I called my mother this morning to say "Merci, Mame!" Thank you for giving me Life. She was reminiscing... She entered the hospital on a Friday night and I was born by c-section the next day. She did not have heavy labour pains, apparently. I was a wee thing, weighing a mere 6 lbs 2 on. After I was born, my father said: "Merci." (She still remembers that part clearly.) We spent the next 11 days at the hospital. My dad was so excited when he came to pick us up that he locked the keys in the car. But obviously, it all worked out in the end! :-)

Fast forward to this past weekend... I spent some time with a wise woman, a friend who happens to be 20 months into her cancer journey. Her perspective is amazing. Her cancer has been a powerful teacher. She now knows, without a doubt, that - in her words - it's all about the Love!

I believe her. On this day, my birthday, I am blissed and blessed. I am loved by family & friends... and I recognize the presence of God/Love as being the energy that guides my Life.

Pace e bene,

Re-connected...

Connected...

Dis-connected...

Re-connected...

That seems to be my pattern lately. Nice thing is that it runs in cycles. Waves. Ebbs & flows.

I'm coming out of a period particularly full of activity & commitments. All good. All chosen by me. It's been hectic, and fulfilling! A turning point was certainly my 5-day silent retreat at Stillpoint earlier this month. Been there. Done that. Will certainly do it again. I realized that this was my 14th visit to Stillpoint since I first started going in October 2000. It truly is a healing place... a place to re-connect.

Still Point House of Prayer, Springtown, ON

View from Room #2

One of my favourite spots for prayer & reflection: the dock.

Not long after I got back, we started having phone line/modem problems. It took Bell almost a week to find, then fix, the problem. Connected. Dis-connected. Re-connected. The break from the computer was good for me though. It seems to have broken my obsession with Flickr... for now anyway. :-)

There is so much wisdom to be found in silence & solitude - wisdom from within that can be tapped into any time. I need only take the time to... re-connect.

"Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together." - Thomas Carlyle

Pace e bene,

...but never unloved

Have you ever come across something written by a total stranger and wondered how the heck they could know you so well?! That's exactly what happened when I read these words today...

Strangers? I don't know if there is such a thing. We are bound together by our humanity. We just haven't met face-to-face yet.

Just for today, I'm feeling disjointed... unengaged... scattered. It's good to know that's OK and that I'm not alone. As my new friend wrote: unsure, but never unloved.

Pace e bene,

a mraz-ing experience...

Things you tend to forget when you're over 40...

• When attending a concert with NO assigned seating, plan to stand in line for hours; apparently 90 minutes before the show is not enough.
• It's useful to get advance insider information on the layout of the music hall; for example, it helps to even know that there is an upper level.
• When it comes to staking your viewing territory at a general seating concert, there are no rules.
• The first 15 rows of a mosh pit are virtually impenetrable.
• No matter how much the shared object of our attention sings of Love...and Togetherness... and Peace, do not expect fans to give you an inch of space so you can take a photo.
• Just when you think you're an uber-fan, remember that most kids have memorized all the lyrics; they've got you beat hands down.
• There is no age limit to enjoying great live music!

Needless to say, seeing Jason Mraz perform live was an AWESOME way to spend Thanksgiving Monday! Here's hoping your holiday was all you needed it to be...

Pace e bene,

What it's all about...

No turkey...

No stuffing...

No mashed potatoes with gravy...

but PLENTY of Thanksgiving!

Today, I give thanks for:

• an evolving relationship with a God beyond my understanding
• a healthy and strong body that supports me in living the Life I seek
• a life partner who just shakes his head and stays with me anyway :-)
• a functionally dysfunctional family always willing to Love
• my friends
• my home
• my community
• my creativity
• my Life.

We went for a drive today to look at the Fall colours and, at every corner, I gasped like I had never seen anything so beautiful. I kept on thinking: Life is good. How the hell did I get so lucky?!

Thanksgiving - it's really not about the turkey.

pace e bene,

The crash...

The higher the mountain, the deeper the valley...

I've been on a high of activity and creativity lately. Lots of great things going on!

• work is busy with exciting projects that will soon come to fruition...
• creativity has been burning with photography and the creation of quote notes galore...
• community is being built by engaging with online photo groups...
• limits are being pushed by preparing for my second 10K run on Oct. 12...
• excitement levels are climbing for our upcoming trip to Montreal to see Jason Mraz in concert...
• connections are being nourished by getting together with friends & family for quality time...
• love is being tended to by spending precious time with Hubby...
• faith is being restored by finding bits of time for meditation...

Is it any wonder I crashed today?! Nothing. Depleted. Empty.

I'm grateful for the wisdom & experience that told me to simply go home. I was useless at work: couldn't focus... couldn't keep my eyes open... couldn't type to save my life.

The afternoon nap surely helped, but so will an early-to-bed night. Self-care is no longer a difficult choice for me...

pace e bene,

If you could see through my eyes...

“If the eye does not want to see, neither light nor glasses will help.” - German Proverb

I picked up my new glasses today. I was a bit worried about wearing progressive lenses for the first time, but so far... so good. I haven't tripped up on my own feet yet! I bought the frames in Firenze last summer and, if I do say so myself, they're pretty cool... black & lime green. :-)

Apparently, donning new frames can be newsworthy, especially if you're the Leader of the Official Opposition. I couldn't believe that the Ottawa Citizen dedicated an entire article to the fact that Stéphane Dion changed his eye-glass frames. It morphed into a story about how politicians tend to lose their lenses in order to gain the confidence of the people. Ugh. I've long had a pet peeve about how glasses are associated to weaker and geeker personalities. Ever notice how, in the movies, the ugly duckling always seems to lose her glasses following her transformation into the elegant swan? I agree that there are ugly frames (usually acknowledged only in hindsight), but once - just once! - I'd like to see glasses portrayed in the media as vital, and creative, and fun. Since that's not likely to happen any time soon, I'll have to make an extra effort to communicate that message myself! :-)

In the meantime, hope you enjoy the beauty that can be found in a local optometrist's shoppe...



Pace e bene,

Immersing myself...

IMMERSED (by John D. Engle Jr.)

Immersed in infinite energy and love,
I'm part of the eternal flow of things.
No matter when or where or how I move,
whether on earth with wheels or in air with wings,
I am a part of everything that is,
all that has been, or ever will be.
Designed by the dreams of all the divinities,
all beauty and all truth are mixed in me.
Knowing this, I shed by shell of doubt,
until free in the freedom of the one Mind
and linked to laws of love, I go about
fulfilling that for which I was designed,
which is to sing myself and try to share
the loveliness of which I am aware.

I came across this poem as part of my Lenten reading & journalling activities, and it resonated with me. I love the reference to my being designed "to sing myself" - I don't need to change who I am, I just need to go home to my original song and sing it for all to hear.

This theme of "immersion" also aligns with a thought-provoking interview I listened to recently on the CBC's Tapestry. If you want to broaden your horizons on the concept of God - and the marriage of science and religion - set aside an hour or so and listen to what Michael Dowd has to say.

Pace e bene,

Nobody's Mother...

“I am not childless by choice, although many of my choices have contributed to my being childless. I live with this as regret and blessing both, a point of chaos in my ordered life.” - Mary Jane Copps in Nobody’s Mother: Life Without Kids.

The fact that I do not have children is not something I talk about very often. It’s not even something I think about most of the time. Last year, a book review in the local paper caught my eye: Nobody’s Mother: Life Without Kids. I tore out the article, planning to look at it later and, as waywards bits of paper tend to do in my home, it eventually migrated to the office upstairs. A couple of weeks ago, it reappeared at the top of the heap as if to say: “Now would be a good time to read this.” I ordered it from the public library (I’m still on my self-imposed book buying moratorium) and read it over the past week.

Nobody’s Mother presents a series of essays from women who, for a myriad of reasons, have never borne children. They write with honesty, courage, humour and grace. In their words, I was able to find comfort and affirmation – things I didn’t even know I was needing. I was even able to find words that described the paradoxical feelings I have about being nobody’s mother. (See quote above by Mary Jane Copps.)

The reasons for my not having children are far to complex too post here; I’m not even sure I could describe the twists and turns that brought me to this point. The fact is: here I am. The beauty and strength of this book lie in its simple acceptance that reasons differ and – in the end – are quite irrelevant. It’s about accepting and celebrating the reality that is, and the fullness of a woman without kids of her own. This I can relate to!

Here are a few more quotes that resonated with me:

“Not every woman has to have children, you know.” – Lorna Crozier (comment from her mother)

“Physiologically, I am constructed so that I may incubate a fetus, or even a whole string of them, if I so choose. I will die one day, never having carried out the biological impetus of my being.” – Adrienne Munro (this thought – or some variation of it – crosses my mind about once a month! :-))

“If I am a vessel, I am full to overflowing with love and strength and the milk of human kindness. I have not borne a child, but I am a universal parent; in a hundred little ways my love can change the world.” – Adrienne Munro

“I am 42 years old. I have no children. I am very happy.” – Katherine Gordon

I make no judgement of friends and family members who have chosen - consciously or not - to have children... and I hope they make none of me. As I have mentioned here before, the important thing, I believe, is to live fully... to love wastefully... and to be courageously - one day at a time.

Pace e bene,

Mondo Beyondo...

I've been making good use of my solo time by going to my favourite local coffee shop. Last evening, I spent close to two hours there, reflecting & writing. My sister is a strong believer in the power of writing things down in order to help make them happen. She's done it many times and it seems to work for her more often than not. I, on the other hand, have avoided clearly articulating what I want. Too scary. Too disappointing when it doesn't happen. Too limited in my imagination.

In comes Mondo Beyondo... Superhero style. Manifesting the experiences I want to experience... Dreaming the things I'm almost afraid of dreaming... Asking the Universe for the impossible...

I decided to give it a try. What have I to lose?! A couple of hours doodling in my notebook at the most. What have I to gain? Possibly, my wildest dreams.

Here goes, for the whole world to see... (well, OK, for the few people reading my blog to see... :-)), in no particular order:

>> Return to Italy for 1 - 3 months... learn the language!

>> Be debt-free (line of credit & credit card)

>> Be in a job-sharing situation, working for pay only 2-3 days a week

>> Girls' Disney Extravaganza with Sis, my Mom and my Mum-in-Law

>> Cross-Canada Road Trip with Hubby in our Mini Cooper

>> Hiking in the Scottish Highlands

>> Driving anywhere I damn well want to - no fear!

>> Having a house by the ocean

Believe it or not, I found this exercise very difficult. I found myself judging my own list: "Yawners! Have you no imagination?!" It was like opening a door that had rusted shut. But I gotta start somewhere and I cracked it open... and I can only hope that it'll get easier from here!

What would your Mondo Beyondo list look like?!

Pace e bene,

Signs, Signs, Everywhere... Signs

Yesterday's post on setting "goals" must have sent out a not-so-silent plea to the Universe for increased clarity! The number of "signposts" I have come across in the last 24 hours is astounding.

I started my work day with a visit to The Daily Motivator web site - today's focus was on failure. "Seek not to create failure, nor to avoid failure. Seek instead to allow failure, when it comes, to keep you moving on the path to greater success." Here, I was also reminded that "Comfort is a good state in which to find rest, renewal and refuge for a while. It is a dreary and dismal place to take up permanent residence." That really resonated with me...

Then, I tapped into a friend's online Musings. She compared starting the new year to the experience of cracking open a brand new book or - my favourite - to the memories of getting those brand new school supplies... empty and waiting to be filled and shaped.

THEN, I popped over to The Ripple Effect and was asked whether I was ready to embrace Life with arms wide open... Life will happen, with or without my cooperation. How do I want to receive it?

By this time, I was starting to gain clarity on three specific areas on which I'd like to focus in the coming year (beyond Living Fully... Loving Wastefully... and Being Courageously). I had lunch with a good friend and bounced my ideas off of him - my intial foray into accountability. The final kicker came in a coaching e-newsletter that I receive at work in the afternoon. I was invited to take a look at 5.75 Questions You've Been Avoiding by Michael Bungay Stanier at Box of Crayons. They confirmed what was beginning to take shape in my mind, especially Questions #1, #3 and #5. And so, in a bold act of accountability, I'm putting it out there - to you and to the Universe.

In 2008, I will focus on:

• Creativity
• Connection
• Celebration

I'm sure I'll be given guidance on more specific ways of nurturing each of these areas. All I need to do is Keep an Open Mind and Trust the Universe. I haven't been disappointed yet!

Pace e bene,

The best of intentions...

I'm feeling ill-equipped to start the new year on the right track. I had the best of intentions for things to do in the last two weeks, and I didn't do them... so what makes me think anything I write today will hold through the next year?!

I've been reflecting a bit on why I'm so adverse to setting goals, even small, simple ones. Here's how I see it today: if I set a goal, I become accountable - sometimes to others & always to myself. Then, if/when I don't accomplish my goal, I feel I have failed. In my weird mind, that translates to "I am a failure. I am a fraud." I am constantly setting myself up to do things, and then not doing them. The feeling of being a fraud can be quite strong sometimes. Isn't this a little harsh, you might ask? Of course! But how else am I supposed to maintain the illusion of competence and perfection that I have spent a lifetime creating?!! :-)

The level of awareness of how this all plays out in my life has been growing in the past couple of years. Recently, the arrogance of it all is also becoming clear to me. Who do I think I am that there is any expectation from others of perfection or competence in all things? The only person who expects that... is me. Luckily, "me" is also the only person I can change if I feel I really want to. I could also choose to simply accept the way I am - and work with that.

So, back to the goals. My sister shared that language is important to her, and that she avoids the word "goal". I've often admired how she's able to set intentions for herself... or areas of focus. This seems to be a gentler language, because it doesn't imply a task that must be completed. I like that. Seems like a kinder, softer way of directing energy towards a specific area of my life - which is basically the same thing as "setting a goal", non?

Although his approach is certainly more action-oriented, Steve at The Ripple Effect also gives me food for thought in his post on New Year's Resolution... He suggests limiting the number I set for myself, as well as making accoutability work for me (instead of against me, as in the judge-and-jury scenario I am most familiar with).

Funny thing just happened... as I'm writing this, I am reminded of an intention that I had set for myself several years ago, sort of a personal mission. It was inspired by something I read in Why Christianity Must Change or Die, but John Shelby Spong. I had "decided" that my life purpose was to: Live fully... Love wastefully... Be courageously... I haven't thought about that in a while. Might this be a good start for determining the areas where I want to focus my energy?

Live fully: Practice acceptance, gratitude and balance...
Love wastefully: Err on the side of Love. Love people, even when I'm not sure they "deserve" it. Put myself on the top of that list...
Be courageously: Be in the moment, even when I'd rather be somewhere else. Make room for Faith, for Faith is stronger than Fear.

There you have it, something for me to think about - one day at a time...

Here's wishing you much Love and Peace as this new year begins. Know that, although I don't always take the time to say it, you are important to me and I treasure your presence in my life. You know who you are. (Yes, it's you... :-))

Pace e bene,