Ending... and Beginning

Sunday, June 4:
Well, it's official. I finished cleaning out my office this afternoon. Tomorrow, after close to 20 years working in the field of Heritage Interpretation, I will be starting off in a new career direction: Organizational Learning & Development.

Surreal. I don't think it's sunken in yet that I won't be part of that crazy, dedicated, creative and fun-loving group of co-workers. It'll be weird for them too. Of the 25 or so staff members, only one - our director - has been there longer than me. For everyone else, I've always been there. I have to admit, I had a lump in my throat as I closed my office door for the last time. Surreal.

I'm taking a couple of days off, then on Thursday I start my new job. I'll still be working for the same organization, which is great. I get to start something new, but in a familiar environment. I know I'm excited about it, but I just can't seem to tap into that excitement right now. I'm just sad to be leaving my co-workers... They are really the ones that have kept me motivated over the past year or so. It's been more difficult to get excited about my work lately. When that feeling starting coming on stronger, I knew it was time for a change. I swore I would never "quit & stay".

And so, onwards & upwards - the beginning of a new era for me...
PAX,

A year in the life...

This month, I celebrate one year of blogging. I can hardly believe it! And to mark this prestigious milestone, all I can think of is what a pain it's going to be to calculate the tip at the restaurant once the reduced GST kicks in. "14% of $17.50 is... aww, #*!@... pass the calculator, please!"

I totally forgot it was budget day today. So much for being plugged in just because I work for Parliament!

PAX,

It's not easy being green...

Apparently, I am Kermit.

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone knows it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

How do you rank on The Muppets Personality Test?

(Thanks to Uncle Zio - a.k.a. Miss Piggy - for this...)

PAX,

Feasting...

Today's poem from Spirituality & Practice really struck a chord... especially the very last line. Enjoy!

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

--Derek Walcott

Holy Saturday's Gift...

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to all of us." - Meister Eckhart

"Help us to be the always-hopeful gardeners of the spirit who whow that without darkness nothing comes to birth, as without light, nothing flowers." - May Sarton

It's Holy Saturday and I'm trying to see how this part of the Easter story is relevant to me today. The expression that comes to mind is "sitting in the unknown". I used that expression this past week as I tried to understand my growing impatience & intolerance regarding my job situation. I became very aware of how I am trying to force a solution. I am not trusting that I need to keep doing the footwork, while letting go of the outcome.

Sitting in the unknown is awkward and uncomfortable. And I think therein lies the relevance of Holy Saturday for me this year. That day between the death & resurrection of Jesus represents all that is unknown. It is a time of confusion... I can just imagine the disciples saying: "What the...?! I thought he was going to save us, and now he's been executed in the manner reserved for the worst of criminals?!! What gives?!"

Of course, since we know how the story unfolds, we could say in hindsight that it represents a time of waiting. Hence the Vigil traditionally held on Saturday evening. But personally, I don't think they were waiting 2000 years ago. They must have thought it was all over. All they could do was grieve their loss - and in secret no less (except for the women), lest they be accused of being one of the Nazarene's followers. They must have been mired in self-doubt, wondering if they had been led astray. This scenario seems more realistic to me.

So, perhaps today is a time to practice being OK with sitting in the unknown... in the self-doubt... in the mystery. Today can be a lesson in acceptance. Acceptance of what is, as it is. Easier said than done...

PAX,

What's Good about this Friday...

"There's an old saying: You can't have Easter without Good Friday. Many people today express the desire to have an open heart, a loving heart, a compassionate heart. Well, how do you open your heart? Usually, it's broken open. Jesus on the cross breaks your heart. He breaks it open. You can't look at the crucifixion without having an experience of compassion. Only a heart broken open — one that can have compassion for those who suffer — can truly appreciate the new life represented by Easter." - Sri Eknath Easwaran

Although I'm not a regular church-goer these days, I've always been drawn to attending Good Friday mass. As I grow along my spiritual path, I find there is something powerful about acknowledging the pain that we are all called to experience at some point in our life. The beautiful thing is that, in the context of the Easter story, we acknowledge it, but we don't stay stuck in it. We recognize it as a stepping stone to greater understanding... to growth... to resurrection.

PAX,

Check the headlines...

I thought for sure it would make the front page when it happened, but apparently the fact that Hell has officially frozen over is buried somewhere deep in the local paper. But it must have happened, because just around 12:30pm today, I found myself running. Just running. As in, running for exercise. Stretchy pants... t-shirt that wicks... the perfect running shoes... Yep, Hell has frozen over.

I joined a beginners running group at work. The timing was convenient and it's free, thus eliminating my usual excuses. Today, we ran for one minute, walked for one minute, ran for one minute, walked for one minute... (repeat 10 times). Funny how we perceive the passage of time differently, depending on whether we are running or walking.

As I reported to Hubby this afternoon, the experience - one I thought I would never embark upon - was not a negative one. And so, there is always hope... :-)

PAX,

Thoughts on Love...

"Humans do not want a God of love, because a lover always makes demands." - Richard Rohr

I've been thinking a lot about Love lately. Not the romantic kind, but the divinely inspired kind. At a workshop, I was once asked what gift was I holding back from the world. My answer was easy: Love. Some days, I just don't think the world is ready for the kind of Love I have to give, and I self-censor. Such arrogance. Who am I to hold back on sharing the very essence of God? That's when I know Fear is guiding my decisions.

Over the past several years, I have recognized and known a God of Love at work in my life. And Richard Rohr is right, such a lover does make demands. No longer can I hide behind excuses that I am not good enough... or that I have "sinned" and am therefore unworthy of God's Love. Every day is an exercise in acceptance of who I am. As I am. I am God's beloved and She is mine. And with that come more demands... The demands that the acceptance extend to others, for they too are God's beloveds. Exactly as they are. Not mine to change, or to fix. But simply mine to love.

Some days, my desire to be close to God is palpable and I know He is waiting... calling... For me, Holy Week, and its powerful stories, is a time of remembering what Love can be. The drama of fear, acceptance, rejection, death, life, love... it's all there.

Although my Lenten journey didn't start out the way I had planned, it continues to carry me along a spiritual path. My literary companions have been Richard Rohr and Joan Chittister, whose words never fail to affirm, enlighten, inspire and challenge me.

Here's wishing you a blessed Holy Week - in whatever shape or form you choose to live it.
PAX,

Just a question of time...

Am I the only one who totally forgot to spring forward last night?! I decided to sleep in until God woke me up, which She did around 9:30 am this morning. It's all good. I'm easing into my morning routine and it suddenly occured to me that I'd forgotten to do something before going to bed. Suddenly, it was no longer 9:30 am, but 10:30 am! Damn. I'd just lost an hour.

But, did I really? Hubby corrected me earlier this week when I commented on the fact that we'd be "losing an hour" this weekend. "No we're not. We'll still have the same number of hours - it doesn't just disappear, y'know." Spoken like the true creature of logic that he is. Got me thinking about time... how we define it, how we use it, how we abuse it. How many times have I heard (and said) I didn't have time to do (fill in the blank...). Truth is, we always have all the time there is. It's what we do with it that matters...

My train of thought has been hijacked. I just received an email from a friend letting me know that a mutual acquaintance lost her baby on Thursday at 24 weeks. What wouldn't she give for more time in the life of her baby girl? I'm sure losing an hour this weekend is the least of her concerns. Losing an hour. Losing a life. There's nothing like perspective...

PAX,

Living Lent-like...

"Lent begs us to empty our lives of the trivial and the superficial so that we can come to the things that last -- family, prayer, rich ideas, concern for the globe, the mind of Christ for the human condition." - Joan Chittister, OSB

I can't say I've been living very Lent-like lately. For the past several years, I've relished the arrival of Lent. It all started with a priest who joyfully declared "HAPPY LENT!" at the beginning of an Ash Wednesday service. He daringly proclaimed that Lent could be an exciting, meaningful and growthful time. More than simply giving up some trivial thing like chocolate or chips (gasp!), I vowed to use this period to strengthen my commitment to a God-driven life. I would make time every day for spiritual reading and reflective journalling. Giving up meat on Fridays was a concrete way to remind me to live with awareness. For the past several years, Lent has indeed been a happy time.

Something's different this year, and I need to let that be OK. Like a good Catholic girl, I'm feeling guilty. I suspect Jesus had precious little time for self-centred guilt... and I'm pretty sure I've never seen guilt preached or praised in the Gospels. So I pray for the willingness to let Life flow, according to God's will. Thy will, not mine.

Do you think God's will for me includes Baked Lay's Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips?!

PAX,

Sharing the blogger experience...

Just here showing my friend Paul the inner workings of "the blog". Paul is very interested in this and I hope (someday!) to see a blog from him. He is an accomplished writer and published author who has lived - and is living - a fascinating life. Hope to see you here soon Paul!!
PAX,

Olympic Fever...

There's a part of me that is happy the Olympics are over. Maybe now I'll get my life back! Yes, it was my choice to sit there and watch our Canadian athletes put in their best results ever, but it became downright addictive!

I think my favourite moment came yesterday as I sat on the couch watching Clara Hughes give a gold medal performance in the 5000m speed skating event, tears streaming down my cheeks. The look on her face when she registered that she had won was priceless! My worst moment came as I was cheering for Canadian ice dancers Dubreuil & Lauzon only to see Marie-France go crashing to the ice in the last seconds of their brilliant original dance. I gasped, stared at the TV screen in disbelief and marvelled at how quickly Olympic dreams can disappear. Did I mention the tears streaming down my cheeks there too?

As a non-athletic person, I stand in awe of all athletes who show such determination & dedication to their goals. I'm not a very disciplined person so I can't identify with what drives someone to push themselves in the way that Olympians do... but I certainly can appreciate it and thank them for 16 days of pure adrenalin!

On to Vancouver 2010!
PAX,

Family in cyberspace...

My Oncle Joe just got a new computer.

I received an email from him yesterday via our family e-group. Seems fitting, since yesterday was the 7th anniversary of a Yahoo!Group that allows the direct descendants of Arthur à Johnny Savoie (see above photo: Arthur on left, Johnny on right) to regularly keep in touch despite the thousands of miles that separate us. Cousins, aunts & uncles are spread out over three provinces. Seven years ago, we began an experiment and over 3000 emails later, I feel as close to them as if I'd never left my home province.

Did I mention that Oncle Joe is 81 years old?! Father, grand-father, great-grand-father... he is the figurative patriarch of our fun-loving, musical Acadian family. And he continues to be the hippest octagenarian I know!

Way to go, l'oncle Joe!

Viewing pleasure...

I have recently discovered a place where they let you borrow videos and DVDs for free! It's called a "public library". :-) I used to think it was solely a book borrowing place, but I'm into my third straight week of discovering films & documentaries that I wouldn't have picked up elsewhere... Whether a documentary on American anti-war activist Eugene McCarthy, or a heartwarming film about a terminally ill boy, his mentor and the search for a blue butterfly, or a visual feast with photographer Jim Brandenberg as he is being Chased by the Light, I have been thoroughly challenged and entertained.

For those who may wish to follow this path, I offer this experience-based word of advice: the Library people prefer it if you return the video tape at the same time as the case. Apparently forgetting the tape in your VCR and returning it two weeks later gives them a bit of extra work. Ooops.

PAX,

Seven days...

It's been seven days... seven days since my last dairy product, yeast or fermented product, sugar, tomato or orange. I'm currently on a restricted diet to assess my sensitivity to certain foods. With testing, I showed a reaction to these products... so now I have to remove them from my diet and slowly re-introduce them, one at a time. I need to pay attention to how my body responds to this gradual reintegration.

I never realized how many foods include yeast! Much to my surprise, if I wish to decrease the overgrowth of yeast in my body, I need to avoid sugar. And fruit. And vinegars or cidars. And fermented products like cheese. And fungii. Does one eat a lot of fungii, you may ask? Well, I do enjoy my sauteed mushrooms. But not this week. It's been seven days...

Simple, but not easy. Years ago, I could not understand that saying. I do now. In so many ways. And it applies to this as well. It's simple to avoid certain foods, but it's not necessarily easy. What wouldn't I give for a bag of potato chips right now!!

Oh well, roasted dulse it is...
PAX,

The best time...

WINTER IS THE BEST TIME (by David Budbill)

Winter is the best time
to find out who you are.

Quiet, contemplation time,
away from the rushing world,

cold time, dark time, holed-up,
pulled-in, time and space

to see that inner landscape
that place hidden and within.

Just a little gem I came across on this icy, windy, damp, dark winter night. Gratitude for my warm little home abounds...

PAX,

Impermanence...

I saw a house come down yesterday. Literally. Abandoned since before my time on this street, this house had admittedly become somewhat of an eyesore. It sits on a piece of land that is being developed and, yesterday, in just a few moments, it was nothing but a pile of splintered wood & glass... and hopefully good memories.

Whenever I see an abandoned house, I often wonder what stories would the walls tell - if only they could. What joys and sorrows have taken root in the very floorboards of the house? What made this particular house, a home?

As I watched the obnoxious heavy equipment reach out and pull down the walls of this house, I noticed there were still curtains in the windows. And suddenly, a glimpse of a mattress being tossed about in the chaos. Was this mattress a source of restful comfort for someone, a sanctuary after a long, hard day? Did it set the stage for exciting sexual fulfillment? Or was it a focal point for lonely isolation and tears?

I continued on my way to work, and the message that came to me was this: impermanence. The things that make up my home may some day end up in a heap, being gawked at by strangers. The things that are truly important, God... love... family... friendship..., are well beyond the reach of even the most powerful heavy equipment.

PAX

Power of Secrets...

I wake up to CBC Radio One every morning. My routine usually consists of hitting the snooze button a few times before turning the radio off and getting up. As I said, I "wake up" to the radio; I don't actually listen to it.

This morning, however, a story caught my attention - and I listened. It was about secrets: their power over us and the healing that comes with sharing them. "We're only as sick as our secrets." How many times has that been heard in the rooms of recovery!

The interview was with Frank Warren, author of PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives. About 13 months ago, he decided to invite people to anonymously send him a postcard and share a secret. What started as an experiment has lead to this book and a blog.

What struck me the most in this interview was the way Warren honours and cherishes the secrets that have been entrusted to him. This is no cheap thrill-seeking endeavour; this is an exercise in creating community... in healing community. Sadly, I have to agree with him when he says the response to his invitation - over 10,000 postcards so far - demonstrates the degree of lonliness that exists in our world, despite our numbers and our access to communication tools.

I remember all too well the relief I felt when I first shared what I felt was a most shameful and freakish secret. My friend did not laugh at me or draw back in horror. She looked at me with love and accepted me fully. Y'know, I don't see that friend that much these days. If nothing else, perhaps she was put on my path for that very moment - a moment of a secret shared and a wound healed.

Indeed, we are only as sick as our secrets.

A Family Affair...

Seems blogging has become a family affair! My sister has chosen to share her Urban Living Experiment in cyberspace. I'm thrilled because my sister is a talented writer and one of the most creative people I know. I enjoy her quirky insight and her ability to see something worth writing about in everyday experiences. I'm sure you will too...

Way to go, Sister-Friend!

PAX

Trying to find an answer...

It's hard being a recovering perfectionist... especially when - in my opinion - all is not perfect. Which, of course, is most of the time. I haven't blogged during the last month because I haven't had the energy to write the "perfect" post. It finally dawned on me how ridiculous that is, so here I am.

I've been off work since December 23rd. The cough-that-would-not-end lead me to a naturopath, and to the discover that I was running on empty. I gave myself permission to acknowledge my fatigue and do what I needed to do. I'm back at work tomorrow with a modified work schedule. I'm nervous and afraid of feeling overwhelmed. I'm still not as sharp as I can be. (Witness me putting the paper towels away in the oven earlier today! :-)) And I still tire easily.

One of the unexpected gifts from this past couple of months has been a sense of empowerment in regards to my health. I've been blessed with good health in the past and I haven't had to pay too much attention. That has changed now... and I'm needing to get more involved in my own healthcare. Turns out my GP isn't interested in anything a naturopath has to say. I'm free to go see "those people" if I want, but GP won't comment on anything that comes from them. According to GP, blood tests came back normal, ergo, there must not be anything wrong with me. Keep catching up on my rest. No suggestions from GP for further medical investigation. Grrrr... Disappointment. Anger. Bewilderment.

So, here goes. I know all is not "normal". Time to own my own health. I'm motivated, but overwhelmed at the thought of venturing into this unknown territory. I've always leaned towards a more natural, wholistic approach to life, so we'll see where this journey leads... Wish me luck!

PAX