Dancing with Fatigue...

Seems to me I've always danced with fatigue in one way or another. As a teenager, I remember regularly taking naps after school. And I have a reputation in my family for my ability to sleep in. "It's a gift", I would respond to the teasing. "Not all of us are blessed with it." As an adult, if I don't set an alarm, I usually don't wake up until I've slept for 9 or 10 hours. Usually, I dance along with the ongoing sense of low energy in a manageable way... but not so these days.

Fatigue has taken a strong lead and I am stumbling in my attempts to stay in step. I'm forgetful. I'm baffled by simple decisions. Concentration & focus elude me. I've been down this road before, and this time I need to listen carefully to these signs. I've been caught by surprise though. My life is not in crisis; in fact, it is overflowing with wonderful opportunities and blessings. Of course, what the body registers is: stress. The body doesn't differenciate between "good" stress and "bad" stress. It's all the same to my body.

So, I need to put First Things First and go into self-care mode. It's hard to do that in our society. It takes courage, and I pray I will be given what I need to make the decisions I need to make. Nothing drastic, but difficult decisions nonetheless. Reducing commitments... seeing a doctor... taking time from work... letting go of guilt... putting myself and guilt-free, non-planned time on the top of my To-Do list. Better yet, ripping up the To-Do list completely! One step at a time...

Luckily, we have no plans this Christmas. What a blessing! No commitments, no obligations, no plans. No matter how wonderful this time of the year can be, I can't tell you how excited I am to have nothing to do this Christmas. A friend once said that his wish for me was that I would experience boredom, just for a while. I'll resist the temptation to add "Be bored..." to my list and I'll try to surrender to the experience of self-care. Now THAT would be a true gift.

PAX

The power of waiting...

You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness you feel.
The future must enter you
long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth,
for the hour of new clarity.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

How powerful!! I came across this quote yesterday and was struck by how it described what the season of Advent is all about. Today, for me, Advent is not about waiting for the birth of baby Jesus, it's about waiting in anticipation for the beginning of a new Way. I believe that's what the message is all about. That's why I should pay attention to the story of a baby born in a manger over 2000 years ago.

A lot has happened since I last posted here... Most notably, I've entered a new decade of life! Perhaps that's why I'm feeling especially reflective. Naw, that's not it. Advent always puts me in this hopeful mood!

PAX

U2 can be one of them...

Following an unforeseen turn of events, I found myself surrounded by over 20,000 enthusiastic and adoring U2 fans earlier tonite. By the end of the concert, I was one of them. It's not that I didn't know of U2's music before - it's just that I didn't consider myself a "fan" (ie. Do you know the words to Sunday, Bloody Sunday? Do you know Bono's real name? Do you know that The Edge is not the name of an album?).

The fact is, I don't really follow any band closely. I hardly listen to the radio or to CDs. I was trying to remember the last real rock concert I had been to. I was horrified when I realized it was April Wine's Farewell Tour (before they came back). Then I remembered I had seen Genesis in concert at the Skydome in 1990-something. OK, so that was a bit better!

But, allow me to get back to Bono... please! First of all, the concert was FAN-TAS-TIC... My ears are still hisssssing. Just when I thought the crowd couldn't cheer any louder, somehow they did. WE did! I allowed myself to be carried away by the experience. I was amazed at the effect Bono has on his fans - men & women alike. All he has to do is suit up and show up... and he is adored. He saunters around that stage like he owns it... like he knows something we don't. But whatever he has, he offers us every ounce of it. He stands there, opens his arms and drinks in our energy, then he pours it right back out for us in his singing. Stunning. Absolutely.

I got a real kick out of watching the crowd react to him... of watching him react to the crowd. It was like being involved in a love affair. It was completely anihilating. Yes, there are other band members... and they too are appreciated by the masses. But there's just something about Bono that is mesmerizing. His heart & soul, his entire being, comes out in his performance - or so it seems.

OK. I think I may be hooked. Will it last? Maybe it's just the intoxicating effect of sharing the energy of Bono... or maybe it's just lust. Whatever it is, in this moment, I am one of them.

p.s. I now know his real name! :-)

Passing judgement...

I was speaking to John (of no fixed address) this morning. He announced that he "finally broke down" and went to social services yesterday. He's now on file and will get a street allowance and assistance with rent if he can find a room. I found it powerful when he said that he enjoyed not having to be on welfare, but "welfare or not, you get judged either way". So true. Mea culpa.

It's very humbling to speak to John. He has a no-nonsense attitude and, despite his situation, he always has a smile and a friendly greeting to offer. As I approach, he croons his usual greeting: Heeey, pretty lady! I tease him about his Toronto Maple Leafs hat, which he tries to hide under his hood with a sheepish grin and his dazzling blue eyes.

Good luck, John. Sorry we've judged you. Here's hoping you don't have to spend another winter on the streets...

Gigowatt-saving Gospel...

Project Porchlight (PP) is surpassing all our expectations. We estimate that, by the end of this coming weekend, volunteers will have distributed 10 000 lightbulbs in their neighbourhood. And the expressions of interest keep rolling in. Community groups are realizing that this is a do-able project! This small act of energy conservation is accessible to all of us, regardless of our economic status, our ethnic group, our age, our employment status, our gender, our state of mind... PEI is interested in talking with PP. So is the Ontario Power Authority. The initiative has been highlighted in the media and is being mentioned as far away as Lethbridge and Waskaganich. This week, the Ottawa Business Journal writes about our hope to spread our "gigowatt-saving gospel across Canada". :-)

Indeed, spread the Good News. Change IS within reach!

Quantum Leap of Faith...

Come with me on a journey of exploration; let's link arms in a trajectory whose direction and destiny we'll discover as we go along. Enter into the experience of searching, seeking, exploring and, I hope, discovering. Participate in the task rather than remain a mere observer.

This is the invitation that is extended at the beginning of Quantum Theology (2004), a book I've just started reading. I first discovered its author, Diarmuid O'Murchu, in June 2004 while on silent retreat at Stillpoint. Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to hear him in person at a public lecture here in Ottawa.

When first reading his work, I remember being utterly amazed at what this priest was daring to say. His words echoed so many of my unspoken thoughts! In Reclaiming Spirituality (1997), I heard him say: Increasingly, I find myself in sympathy with the spiritual seekers who claim that formal religion, with its trappings and power games, is proving to be a major obstacle to spiritual growth and development. (p. 31) Could I ever relate!

I consider myself a Catholic-in-exile (for now). I have a deep desire to follow the teachings of Jesus and I honour him as my Beloved Teacher and my Guide. Every day, I pray for the ability to Love as He did, and to Trust in God as He did. Several years ago, I was encouraged by a priest to forget about everything else and simply allow myself to "fall in love with Christ". He sensed that formal religion - with all its doctrines & rules - was indeed getting in the way of my spiritual growth and development. I don't go to church these days... I fully trust the path I'm on and know that God is walking with me, wherever I may be. I haven't completely given up on the church, but admittedly, I don't miss it. Luckily, God doesn't take it personally and can handle my choices.

In response to this choice, O'Murchu offers me another challenge:

(...) most people who become disillusioned with religion do not confront the pain or discomfort religion is causing them; they simply opt out. It is easier to move away rather than face the challenge, guilt and fear which the confrontation might involve.

(Reclaiming Spirituality, p. 79)

And so, I accept the invitation that is extended to me. I will keep an open mind and an open heart. Here's to entering the experience as a full participant. I'll let you know what I find there...

Preparing for Silence...

delicious brilliant universe
an eternity within
celebrate myself
live... speak... think...
listen & learn
laugh... dance... embrace...
trust & heal
surrounded by sacred joy.

(Magnetic Poetry by jag)

A Halloween Dud...

Another All Hallow's Eve has come & gone. Death came to my door. So did a peacock and a triceratops dinosaur. A wizard. A knight. A monster. And a miniature pumpkin. I had candy for 75 kids. A grand total of 7 showed up. Where have all the children gone?!

A friend suggested that perhaps word got out that I was handing out Sour Chews. What's wrong with Sour Chews??!

The Great Lady Lacey...

Last year, on Halloween night, my sister & I fashioned a "ghost" out of a old lace curtain, a paper plate, a wire hanger and a mask. We named her Lacey and she helped us greet the children who came to my door. Before the stroke of midnight, my talented sister had given Lacey a story. Keep reading...

The Legend of Lacey

The great lady Lacey she comes once a year
Her story’s so sad it’s caused many a tear
No one knows for sure how she came to depart
But it’s legend she died of a still broken heart

She’s elegant, classy, so please have no fear
She simply comes looking for one who was dear
She comes in October on All Hallow’s Eve
It’s all part of healing, of trying to grieve

Her beauty and might give glimpse to her strength
Her eyes and her spirit show she’s suffered at length
Oh how she remembers that knock at the door
That told her she’d lost her beloved to war

She remembers him dearly, from a time far away
But nor sadness nor grief has led to dismay
Her courage and faith keep her hopeful each year
That she’ll find him, she’s closer, she feels him, he’s near

So tonight if you’re careful, you may see or hear
Lacey praying or calling, but be there no fear
She’ll be searching as always, with love and with grace
With beauty and spirit, and a gown made of lace.

(Steph – October 31, 2004)

Change IS within reach...

Helping to preserve the environment is as easy as changing a lightbulb. No, really. I mean it! It can be done with a twist of the wrist and a flick of the switch...

Last summer, my friend Stuart was chatting with his buddy Mike about a surprising statistic he saw on Natural Resources Canada's Energy Star web site. If every household in Canada replaced just one regular light bulb with a compact fluorescent, the reduction in pollution would be the equivalent of taking 66,000 cars off the road. "How hard could it be to get everyone to change one lightbulb?", he said. And there it was - the proverbial lightbulb moment. It was the birth of Project Porchlight.

Project Porchlight is a volunteer-based, not-for-profit organization and our ultimate goal is to distribute one free compact fluorescent (CF) lightbulb to every household in Canada. This Saturday, Oct. 29th at 11 a.m. we launch our biggest event yet in Ottawa South. Join us for the party and help us get the ball rolling! Hosted by Alex Munter, our first local community launch is taking place in the parking lot of Giant Tiger at 2480 Walkely Road. Join us and see what all the fuss is about!

Change IS within reach. No, really. I mean it! :-)

Giving Thanks...

On this Thanksgiving weekend, I'm taking a few moments to think about what I have to be grateful for. The practice of gratitude is one that need only take a few moments a day to cultivate, and the rewards greatly outweigh the effort.

When my life was in crisis, I remember keeping a gratitude journal. Every night before going to bed, I would write a short list of five things that I was grateful for that day. Somedays, the list reflected the basics: food, shelter, warm bed, functional body... Other days, I was able to expand my outlook and could appreciate the colour of the trees, a encouraging smile from a friend or the support of my family. I wonder why I stopped doing that? Too busy to stop and take notice perhaps? I tend to give thanks more frequently during the day now, but I don't take quiet time to reflect and develop an awareness of the many blessings I have in my life. In honour of Thanksgiving, here's my list for today - in random order:
- my evolving relationship with God
- AFG
- Hubby
- my somewhat-dysfunctional-yet-oh-so-loving family
- my home & neighbourhood

Yeah, I know. This is the big stuff, but what better day to say it OUT LOUD!!
What are you grateful for?

Perspective...

It's been just over a month since Katrina hit the Gulf Coast, and if I were to believe the evening news on TV, there's not much more to that story. We've now moved on to the jubilation and celebration of the return of NHL Hockey. Woohoo and big whoop!

For a stunning account of the ongoing impact of Hurricane Katrina, check out Operation Eden. I arrived there through the randomness of the world of blogs, and spent some time taking in one photographer's personal story. It was time well spent.

As I begin to feel restless and whiny because of this cold-that-will-not-end, I am reminded that, just for today, I have everything I need. I have the opportunity to rest in my cozy home... I have immediate access to clean drinking water (or juice, or tea, or my heart's desire)... I am a short bus ride away from medical attention... My voice may have dropped an octave or two, and my nose may be raw from the blowing, but tonite, I will find sleep waiting for me under my favourite quilt.

I offer my prayers to those whose stories are still unfolding. I'm sure you wish that all you had to be dealing with was a cold-that-will-not-end.

A state of mind...

I saw a man collapse on the road today, just metres away from the finish line of a half-marathon race. What makes a person keep running, and running, until they lose control of the very muscles they depend so heavily on? And I saw many others - older than me... heavier than me... - approach the finish line with a triumphant smile and tears of exhilaration. What's the difference between them and me? My body is fit. My body is strong (although untested). I can only conclude it is a state of mind that differenciates us. Or perhaps a degree of insanity.

Hubby completed his 5th marathon today. Yay for Hubby! He didn't reach his goal and is struggling to find the best way to fuel his body throughout that gruelling distance without becoming nauseous and wanting to throw up. In his words, his tactics are all there - he just needs to figure out the nutrition part. So he'll keep on trying, and I'll keep on cheering him on.

The dangerous thing is, every time I see one of these races - and the insane people who run them - I think to myself: could I do that if I really wanted to? What's to stop me, save for a degree of insanity?

Looking back on 15 years...

Can someone please 'splain to me how we get from September 12 (last post) to September 22 (today) in a blink of an eye?! Yikes... When I first created jag e*space, my hope was to write at least once a week, ideally a couple of times a week and eventually progress to writing a bit every day. Luckily I left the timeline open!

Fifteen years ago today, I was walking around in a blur of white lace & flowers. It was probably around this time of day that Mom stopped me and thrust a ham-on-kaiser sandwich in my hand, in the hope that I wouldn't collapse from hunger as I walked down the aisle.

Through easy times & difficult times, here we are - Hubby & I - still married after 15 years. We're two of the lucky ones... we almost didn't make it here. On our 10th wedding anniversary, we had dinner together but were living apart. In those dark days, a 15-year celebration was far from my mind. But God's plans are much bigger than what my mind can imagine. Through His grace, we were given the courage to give our Life together another chance. Like I said, we're two of the lucky ones! As I look back, here are a just a few of the things I have learned (in random order):

• the wedding is the easy part; it's the marriage that calls for a daily decision to accept the other as they are (and hope that they do the same!)
• it's OK if the garbage doesn't go out for another week
• it's important to have individual interests, but it's essential to carve out time for togetherness
• let Hubby & his mother be as they are - they'll be just fine
• when Hubby & Mum-in-law are making dinner in the kitchen, it's best to stay in the living room
• when you strive to remove obstacles (such as control and judgement), Love really does grow exponentially
• raising your voice gets in the way of the message, and being silent gets in the way of your Voice
• some of the best talks are had when walking hand-in-hand
• we both have the right to make mistakes, and the opportunities to make amends
• intimacy takes many forms
• Life doesn't get much better than a Hubby I love, a good book and cup of coffee at Bridgehead Coffeehouse.

Thanks Babe! Life really is good. Here's to us - one day at a time...

Caveat emptor...

Let the buyer beware... Allow me to share my costly lesson so that you may avoid a similar situation in the future.

If you are a Bell Canada customer and are making a long-distance phone call using your calling card, always... ALWAYS... dial into the Bell service at 1-800-555-1111 in order to complete your call. Do not assume that the local telephone service will advise you that your Bell service is being blocked and that you are now tapping into the services of the local carrier.

A 3-minute payphone call to Ottawa from Philadelphia, using my calling card number directly, ended up costing me a whopping $23.12. At no point was I advised that my Bell Service could not be accessed and the call was automatically interpreted as a collect person-to-person call by the local carrier. I made 5 such phone calls during my short stay in Philly, luckily none of them lasted longer than five minutes. Ouch.

When I contacted the Calling Card department at Bell Canada to enquire how I was supposed to know that I needed to dial 1-800-555-1111, I was told it was written right on the front of my calling card. I guess she was referring to the calling card that I never carry around because I've memorized my PIN. Ouch. Ouch.

Caveat emptor... Although I haven't been scammed outright, I certainly do feel duped. The good news is: now I know - and it won't happen again.

Planning for future health...

Why is it so difficult to do what we know is best for us?! I started up my yoga class again this morning. I basically haven't stretched since May 2005. It felt so good to be back at it, yet I know that tomorrow, there will be pain. My teacher spoke of an ancient sanskrit word which translates to something like "planning for future health". It is a concept that dates back thousands of years, and we're still trying to figure it out.

Taking it to a whole different level, this same message came through loud & clear on Thursday evening as I sat and listened to Dr. David Suzuki give a talk as part of a fundraiser for USC Canada. It was my first time hearing him in person and I'm still processing the experience. I can't say I like hearing what he has to say - I don't think many people do - but I know I have to listen anyway. He speaks with great passion and conviction... and he doesn't mince words. I can see why some would find him difficult to accept; he certainly has no love for economists and SUV owners!

I find it baffling that our society, in general, values the intellect above all other faculties. Our brains... our ability to make decisions and shape our future... these are the things that set us apart from the rest of God's creatures! And yet, when scientists from around the world - the best of the best - issue a dire warning to humanity as they did in 1992, no one pays attention. For some bizarre reason, we continue to believe that we are separate from the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we ingest: the elements that give us our very life.

David Suzuki's message can be overwhelming. The predictions of scientists seem too incredible to believe. After all, scientists & engineers were the ones who predicted that the city of New Orleans was a disaster waiting to happen - how could we possibly take them seriously?!

Hubby & I bought toilet paper made from 100% recycled paper today. We refilled on our chemical-free cleaning products, we picked up a staple-less stapler and two more Compact Fluorescent bulbs. It may not be much, but it's something. There are many ways to plan for future health...

"If you drive an SUV, you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror because you don't give a shit about the environment." - David Suzuki (to his audience at the USC Canada event)

The challenge of democracy...

In a democracy, every citizen, regardless of his interest in politics, "holds office"; every one of us is in a position of responsibility; and in the final analysis, the kind of government we get depends upon how we fulfill those responsibilities.

We, the people, are the boss, and we will get the kind of political leadership, be it good or bad, that we demand and deserve.

John F. Kennedy in Profiles in Courage (1956)

I came across this quote as I was going through some papers yesterday. It was hurriedly scribbled in a notebook during our visit to the JFK Library in Boston this past summer. It struck me then, and it struck me even more this time.

In light of ongoing heavy criticism of government happening in the States, as well as the particularly toxic parliamentary session we had here in Canada this past spring, I am reminded that I have a responsibility too. I've never really been politically active (other than making sure I vote in elections), but I'm realizing that I have stronger opinions on issues then I've ever had before. I just don't know what to do with them! Often, as my awareness grows, so do my feelings of utter powerlessness. And anger. I am angry that poverty exists to the extent that it does - how did we ever let it get so bad?! I am angry that politicians don't see that the state of the environment is the #1 issue that needs to be addressed... NOW! Without that, there is nothing else. I get frustrated and overwhelmed by my own inadequacy.

JFK's quote challenges me... am I up to it?

Rumours that kill...

I caught a story on the news today that made me weep. During a religious pilgrimage in Baghdad, rumour of the presence of a suicide bomber began to make its way across a crowded bridge. The ensuing panic and stampede resulted in 700 -800 people dead and hundreds more injured. All this vibrant life, ended by a rumour. That's terrorism at its "best" (and therefore at its worst), in my opinion. Terrorism is not a person, nor is it a faction. It is not anything we can see or touch. It is a strategy of fear that simply cannot be stopped with bombs or weapons. There is only one thing that works against fear, and that is Love. That may sound too simple; Truth often does. Just think about it on a much smaller scale: when we were kids and experienced fear, where did we find relief? Most often, in the embrace or presence of someone who loved us.

There can be no war on terrorism, especially not using military means. It just doesn't make sense. And today, physical weapons were not even needed to kill hundreds of people just like me. All it took was a rumour.

Man, our world really needs a hug right now. My heart weeps...

The end of an era in Westboro...

These be sad days in Westboro... After 30 years, Andy's Restaurant on Richmond Rd. is closing its doors. One of the finest of its genre - the venerable greasy spoon diner - Andy's is being replaced with a mexican food restaurant. Mexican?! Will they serve me mushy scambled eggs & glistening breakfast sausage on Saturday mornings? Will the waitress remember that I take decaf with milk... and that I prefer tomato slices to homefries?! I doubt it.

Andy's has become part of my weekend routine ever since I moved to this neighbourhood. Why would I make breakfast at home when I could go to Andy's with a book, a friend or a Hubby, and have someone else cook for me - all for a whopping $4.30 plus tip?! Not surprisingly, Andy's is also a meeting place... less than two weeks ago, we stopped in for a quick breakfast and ran into friends we hadn't seen in much too long. We'd been trying to coordinate getting together, but to no avail. Yet we all found time for breakfast at Andy's.

Whether I was reading a book, sharing time with a friend, or just listening to the ambient sounds of Life and conversation, Andy's had become a home away from home. Andy & Mona: enjoy your well-deserved retirement and know that you'll be missed. But you still have four more days and you can expect me at my usual time!

Comment spam - blech...

Turns out that there is a phenom known as "comment spam". I should have known. Following my first incidence of advertising garbage being posted in my comment section, I've added a word verification feature. This simply means that you'll need to tap in a few more keystrokes before being able to post a comment. Sorry for the inconvenience, but t'is the world we live in, friends!