Pleasures - big & small...

BIG: Spending oodles of time with Hubby on Aug. 5 & 6 at the Canadian National Track & Field Championships. The weather was perfect. The athletes were inspiring. And Life was as it should be.

SMALL: Buying Hello Kitty Band-Aids, just because... I wore one on my heel even though the blister was pretty much gone. :-)

BIG: Celebrating my Acadian roots with Sis on Aug. 15th and marching in my first tintamarre in years. Turns out the musician playing at the bar was from our home village in New Brunswick!

SMALL: Getting a bunch of free perennials from my neighbour and planting them. All. In one small garden. Next spring should be a revelation! (If they survive the winter :-))

BIG: Planning & delivering a short workshop to a group of teachers from across Canada. Although the experience was brief, it reconnected me with what I love doing. I was in the zone! What a great reminder of why I left the management level...

SMALL: Enjoying waaay too many cheats on my diet - with a special nod to Miss Vicki's Roasted Red Pepper chips and to Rolo Ice Cream. Yum.

BIG: Being able to sleep with the windows open, being caressed by a fresh breeze...

SMALL: Loving my new haircut!

I could go on... but you get the picture. Life is good these days.
PAX,

PPJP Post-script...

Turns out that, after all these years, Sis & I have a different understanding of what PPJP stands for! For her, it stands for post-purchase justification process, not post-purchase justification period. Huh. Who knew?

We briefly tossed around the idea of calling it PPJPP (post-purchase justification process period), but in the end, we agreed to leave things as they were. She has her word; I have mine. It's all good. The important thing is that we're there for each other during those precarious purchasing moments. Thanks Sis!

PAX,

Welcome to my PPJP...

I did something very out-of-character today. Moi, Mlle Consignment Shop Shopper, dished out an exhorbitant amount of money for a single article of clothing. Yes, it was on sale. Yes, I will get a lot of use out of it. Yes, it's gaawwgeous, and therefore made me feel equally gaawwgeous. And yes, I feel guilty.

Welcome to my PPJP.

The "PPJP" is a sister-thing that we came up with; it stands for post-purchase justification period and usually lasts anywhere from 24 to 48 hours. We are a product of our clothes-shopping upbringing: sensible, frugal, Sears catalogue. As adults, we've had to unlearn those old patterns and allow ourselves to spend, spend, spend on clothes - clothes that make us feel good and make us go "wow". Clothes that say "I'm worth it!" But there is an emotional cost to that unlearning, and it's called PPJP. It usually expresses itself in a phone call to the non-purchasing sibling, explaining all the reasons the purchase was valid and necessary. This phone call was duly initiated as I exited the shopping centre.

Today, I even jumped over the pre-PJP phase. This is an occasional occurence where I call my sister before I pull out the credit card in the hopes that: a) she'll talk me out of it, or b) she'll support me in my decision and I no longer have only myself to blame. But alas, not this time. I presented the plastic, hugged my new green crushed velvet jacket, and complimented the sales girl on her selling skills. I'm on my own on this one.

And so, for the next day or so, I get to look at the jacket... touch the jacket... wear the jacket... and tell myself - and anyone else within earshot - that it is indeed, a good thing.

PAX,

You know you're still asleep when...

You know you're still asleep when...
...you're in the shower shaving your legs, and you realize you're using "curl enhancing hair-styling cream" instead of shaving cream. They really need to come up with more bottle shapes. Different product & purpose, different bottle shape. Is that too much to ask?! Sheesh.

PAX,

Post-east coast post...

I've been back in Ottawa for just over 48 hours, yet it already seems to be fading away. The salty scent of the water... the harmonious melody of my mom & her sister as they sing the songs they've always sung... the infectious sound of my cousins' laughter... the comforting taste of my mom's chocolate chip cookies... the scents & sounds of my roots. My home.

Two years is too long between visits - there's simply no reason to let it go that long. Lesson learned. Memories fade too quickly...

PAX,

East Coast Post...

Greetings from sunny New Brunswick... We've been here less than 48 hours and I already feel like we've been on vacation for a week. Sunny, hot, breezy weather. Been to the beach twice already (including sitting through a thunderstorm as it swept by). Went running along the water. I'm grateful that my folks live so close to Kouchibouguac National Park.

I haven't been home for two years. There really is no reason to let it go that long ever again... This morning, as I was having breakfast (fresh berries and sesame toast) outside on the back deck, I was marvelling at what a beautiful set-up my parents have. This is the same house I grew up in (for the most part anyway) yet I never appreciated it in the way I do now. I suspect that's pretty common... Mom & Dad go about the upkeep of the property with dedication & pride. My dad is putting the finishing touches on the new deck he just built - by himself. He did a great job!! As someone whose favourite tool is the phone (to call the handyman-for-hire, of course :-)), I'm so impressed. Wonder why I didn't inherit that ability?!

All for now - I hope to post again before the week's end. We're planning to go to PEI for an overnight stay, then it's off to Tabusintac for my maternal family reunion - the one I haven't attended in five years!! Should be fun...

PAX,

Travellin' on the cheap...

I've just come back from China... or so it seems... thanks to our friends Chris & Kathy, and the wonderful magic of blogging. For the past two weeks, I have followed them on their trip to China, and their journey to parenthood. It's so amazing that they were able to share this experience with us on a daily basis. Who knew their new life with one-year old twin girls would afford them so much free time?! :-)

Now, I wonder where I'll go next? Perhaps Ireland... or Scotland... Whaddabout Kathmandu? Or p'raps I'll simply spend the day commuting in London, or seeking adventure in a NYC taxicab.

Today, the world is truly at my fingertips.
And tomorrow, the road is at my feet. NB, here we come!
PAX,

Random observations...

On my way to the bus stop this morning, I noticed a single shoulder pad on the road. Can't help but feel for the poor woman, stuck somewhere between the 1980's and the 21st century, as she goes about her day - with one shoulder bigger than the other.

As I was looking out the bus window, I also noticed the high number of cars on the road with a single occupant. Can you imagine the impact we could make on climate change if a law was passed stating that all vehicles required at least two occupants in order to be on the road? Even if it was only applicable during certain hours of the day, say from 06h00 - 09h00 and again from 15h00 - 18h00, the effect would be phenomenal!! If you still don't believe global warming is a world-wide emergency, go see An Inconvenient Truth. Run, don't walk, to a theatre near you. Open your eyes, ears and heart, and I dare you to not care after seeing this film... Be sure to stay for the closing credits - you'll learn what you can do to make a difference. It can be a simple as changing a lightbulb...

PAX,

Perfecting imperfection...

In a Navajo rug there is always an imperfection woven into the corner. And interestingly enough, it's where "the Spirit moves in and out of the rug." The pattern is perfect and then there's one part of it that clearly looks like a mistake. (...) Perfection is not the elimination of imperfection. That's our Western either/or, need-to-control thinking. Perfection, rather, is the ability to incorporate imperfection! There's no other way to live: You either incorporate imperfection, or you fall into denial. That's how the Spirit moves in or out of our lives. (Richard Rohr)

I remember reading something like this many years ago, and it struck a chord. I came across the story again recently and felt the need to record it here. My name is jag, and I'm a recovering Perfectionist. I grew up excelling at whatever I did, yet only doing what I knew I could excel at. As a result, I missed out on a lot of potential accomplishments and just plain fun. I also spent a lot of time looking for other people's approval of my "perfection". My name is jag, and I'm a recovering Approval Addict.

I'm happy to say that, in the past several years, I have worked hard - one day at a time - to break out of these patterns. They'll always be a part of me, but thankfully they no longer rule my life. I think that's one of the reasons I've embraced Yoga and Running so fully. I'm allowing myself to be not-so-good at it, and I'm making room for progress. I'm learning that there is a lot of satisfaction in seeing myself improve, bit by bit.

Freedom comes with admitting that I am perfectly imperfect. And, dare I say, I can't remember when I've felt or looked better! I'm right where Spirit wants me to be...

PAX,

Two. Seven. Nine.

Hi Friends... Happy Canada Day + 1! Hope your celebrations were wonderful, wherever you may be.

I started the day by running my first official 5k race - and I posted a personal best! :-) Wearing bib #279 and finishing in 34:16, I'm very pleased. I had no particular goals other than to 1) finish, and 2) improve upon the unofficial time from my Fun Run a couple of weeks back. I accomplished both!! It was especially great (and helpful!) to have Hubby run the race with me - for him, the 5k was a "cool down" after running his best 10k race yet. Congrats!!

I enjoyed seeing how people really get into this, both runners & spectators - even for this relatively small race. Residents would sit on their front lawns and cheer us on... a few of them held up a water hose offering us a much needed cool spray of water to run through. I got a real kick out of watching the "Tot Trot", a short run/trot/walk/waddle for toddlers and kids under five. Too cute! Each one received a medal, which for many, hung down to their knees. :-)

My Canada Day afternoon was pretty relaxed, catching snoozes as we watched the Tour de France. In the evening, I headed downtown and met up with Sis to catch the fireworks. Amazing stuff! People as far as the eye could see.... Admittedly, we positioned ourselves off the Hill for a relatively quick exit; I just can't handle standing still in a bottleneck of thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of people converging through a gateway anymore. Been there. Done that. And the very thought of it started to make my heart pound in a panic. Thanks to Sis for understanding and agreeing to move to a more "open" area. (Although "open" is a generous word downtown on Canada Day night!! :-))

I gotta say though, all this pales in comparison to the excitement of my friends, Kathy & Chris, who, as we were celebrating our national holiday, were in China meeting their new twin daughters! Congrats to the new parents!!

PAX,

Mistaken Identity...

Twice this week, (ie. more than once!), I was asked if my sister was my daughter!! Oy. Now there's a way to put the ego back where it belongs...

It's true, the people who asked only got a quick glance at her. And my sister looks quite young - she has a youthful demeanour and fashion-sense. Appropriately youthful, IMO. And, perhaps if I'd had a child when I was 14, one could mistaken her for my daughter, but come on - my daughter?! Needless to say, my sister got a great laugh out of that, especially since the usual question we get is: Which one is the oldest? (That would be me - by seven years.)

Luckily, I have a healthy sense of humour and will use this incident to incessantly tease my co-workers... and my sister will no doubt bask in the memory of that moment... and I will go to my hair stylist to get that cut n' colour! :-)

PAX,

Running Tourist...

I'll be starting off this year's Canada Day celebrations in a completely new way this year. I've signed up to run a 5K race in Kanata. This time, it's a real race, complete with time chip and a finish line to cross - God willing, of course!

I'm still keeping up with my 3 X week runs, focussing on the 10:1s. Today's run was a sweltering one! Soooo humid... However, as I was doing my post-run stretches, I took a moment to appreciate how lucky I am to work downtown. Today's route brought me around the Centre Block of our Parliament Buildings, following through to & along the front lawn of the Supreme Court of Canada, circling back behind Parliament Hill along the Ottawa River pathway and finishing up at the Ottawa Locks of the Rideau Canal. That's where I stopped to stretch, looking across the River towards the Canadian Museum of Civilization.

As far as city downtowns go, this one is pretty impressive... and impressively pretty.
PAX,

Producing excitement...

I waited with anticipation for the delivery. It was getting dark, but I was told it could be as late as 10pm, so I distracted myself with menial tasks as I waited... and waited... It was only 9:15pm. The minutes danced by and, around 9:45pm, it arrived.

I opened it and my pulse raced. I chatted with the young man who delivered it and could see that he understood my excitement. He knew. Enjoy! See you next week.., he said. Oh, I will - and thanks again!, I responded, and carried it into the house. I set it on a chair in the kitchen and looked at it. I took in the colours and the textures... I reached in and touched... I paused and smelled... and I even tasted.

I've been searching for this exact type of thing for some time now. And here it was - in my kitchen. Because I'll be getting one every week now, I know it is but a beginning... Who knew one could get so enchanted & excited about this?!

PAX,

Hard wired...?

Could I possibly be wired to win?? As a life-long non-athlete, I've often wondered what it was that made others so drawn to sports or exercise. Why not me? And yet, at a pre-screening of a new movie being created for IMAX, I'm told that my brain can be trained to lead my body to accomplishments I can't even imagine.

I guess I experienced that for myself as I completed my first 5Km race earlier this month. When I first started learning to run, that goal was simply beyond my grasp. As I huffed & puffed my way through 2 minutes of continuous running during Week Two, I remember commenting to Hubby that I couldn't imagine running 10 minutes without stopping. He gently reminded me that I didn't have to; my goal for that day was two minutes, not ten. Without consciously knowing it, my brain was learning to cope with this new activity. And today, I can run 10 minutes without stopping.

I can take that personal experience, and multiply it many times over to imagine what professional athletes - such as those competing in the Tour de France - go through. And as for the "why not me?"... I guess that's where the heart comes in. I s'pose it all depends on your heart's desire. And mine simply has its gaze directed elsewhere...

PAX,

The urge to dance...

I was at Westfest this past weekend and found myself noticing people's bodies. More specifically, how their bodies (and mine) spontaneously move in response to music. Same music, yet different movements.

On Saturday night, a couple of hundred rain-soaked heads bopped to the sounds of Skydiggers & Cash Brothers. All bopping, but not always to the same beat. Some people double-bopped, others up-and-down bopped, while some side-to-side bopped... and then of course there were a few who stood freakishly still.

Then on Sunday morning, I listened to two local kids playing rock (electric guitar & drums) and watched a little girl in the audience, surely no more than two, dancing with complete abandon. No matter how heavy the music got, she found her beat and danced. Full body, moving primarily in rythmic circles.

I was reminded of the primal power of music and its intimate connection with our bodies. In so many cultures, this relationship remains spontaneous and natural. Not so in our uptight western world. We seem to have relegated dance and free movement to our dance clubs & studios. It's why we look twice at the free spirit who allows his or her body to fully embrace the music. Am I looking with disdain? Or with envy... Oh! to be an adult who can watch a 2-year old girl dance, and see in her a teacher.

PAX,

Ending... and Beginning

Sunday, June 4:
Well, it's official. I finished cleaning out my office this afternoon. Tomorrow, after close to 20 years working in the field of Heritage Interpretation, I will be starting off in a new career direction: Organizational Learning & Development.

Surreal. I don't think it's sunken in yet that I won't be part of that crazy, dedicated, creative and fun-loving group of co-workers. It'll be weird for them too. Of the 25 or so staff members, only one - our director - has been there longer than me. For everyone else, I've always been there. I have to admit, I had a lump in my throat as I closed my office door for the last time. Surreal.

I'm taking a couple of days off, then on Thursday I start my new job. I'll still be working for the same organization, which is great. I get to start something new, but in a familiar environment. I know I'm excited about it, but I just can't seem to tap into that excitement right now. I'm just sad to be leaving my co-workers... They are really the ones that have kept me motivated over the past year or so. It's been more difficult to get excited about my work lately. When that feeling starting coming on stronger, I knew it was time for a change. I swore I would never "quit & stay".

And so, onwards & upwards - the beginning of a new era for me...
PAX,

A year in the life...

This month, I celebrate one year of blogging. I can hardly believe it! And to mark this prestigious milestone, all I can think of is what a pain it's going to be to calculate the tip at the restaurant once the reduced GST kicks in. "14% of $17.50 is... aww, #*!@... pass the calculator, please!"

I totally forgot it was budget day today. So much for being plugged in just because I work for Parliament!

PAX,

It's not easy being green...

Apparently, I am Kermit.

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone knows it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

How do you rank on The Muppets Personality Test?

(Thanks to Uncle Zio - a.k.a. Miss Piggy - for this...)

PAX,

Feasting...

Today's poem from Spirituality & Practice really struck a chord... especially the very last line. Enjoy!

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

--Derek Walcott

Holy Saturday's Gift...

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest to all of us." - Meister Eckhart

"Help us to be the always-hopeful gardeners of the spirit who whow that without darkness nothing comes to birth, as without light, nothing flowers." - May Sarton

It's Holy Saturday and I'm trying to see how this part of the Easter story is relevant to me today. The expression that comes to mind is "sitting in the unknown". I used that expression this past week as I tried to understand my growing impatience & intolerance regarding my job situation. I became very aware of how I am trying to force a solution. I am not trusting that I need to keep doing the footwork, while letting go of the outcome.

Sitting in the unknown is awkward and uncomfortable. And I think therein lies the relevance of Holy Saturday for me this year. That day between the death & resurrection of Jesus represents all that is unknown. It is a time of confusion... I can just imagine the disciples saying: "What the...?! I thought he was going to save us, and now he's been executed in the manner reserved for the worst of criminals?!! What gives?!"

Of course, since we know how the story unfolds, we could say in hindsight that it represents a time of waiting. Hence the Vigil traditionally held on Saturday evening. But personally, I don't think they were waiting 2000 years ago. They must have thought it was all over. All they could do was grieve their loss - and in secret no less (except for the women), lest they be accused of being one of the Nazarene's followers. They must have been mired in self-doubt, wondering if they had been led astray. This scenario seems more realistic to me.

So, perhaps today is a time to practice being OK with sitting in the unknown... in the self-doubt... in the mystery. Today can be a lesson in acceptance. Acceptance of what is, as it is. Easier said than done...

PAX,