What's Good about this Friday...

"There's an old saying: You can't have Easter without Good Friday. Many people today express the desire to have an open heart, a loving heart, a compassionate heart. Well, how do you open your heart? Usually, it's broken open. Jesus on the cross breaks your heart. He breaks it open. You can't look at the crucifixion without having an experience of compassion. Only a heart broken open — one that can have compassion for those who suffer — can truly appreciate the new life represented by Easter." - Sri Eknath Easwaran

Although I'm not a regular church-goer these days, I've always been drawn to attending Good Friday mass. As I grow along my spiritual path, I find there is something powerful about acknowledging the pain that we are all called to experience at some point in our life. The beautiful thing is that, in the context of the Easter story, we acknowledge it, but we don't stay stuck in it. We recognize it as a stepping stone to greater understanding... to growth... to resurrection.

PAX,

Check the headlines...

I thought for sure it would make the front page when it happened, but apparently the fact that Hell has officially frozen over is buried somewhere deep in the local paper. But it must have happened, because just around 12:30pm today, I found myself running. Just running. As in, running for exercise. Stretchy pants... t-shirt that wicks... the perfect running shoes... Yep, Hell has frozen over.

I joined a beginners running group at work. The timing was convenient and it's free, thus eliminating my usual excuses. Today, we ran for one minute, walked for one minute, ran for one minute, walked for one minute... (repeat 10 times). Funny how we perceive the passage of time differently, depending on whether we are running or walking.

As I reported to Hubby this afternoon, the experience - one I thought I would never embark upon - was not a negative one. And so, there is always hope... :-)

PAX,

Thoughts on Love...

"Humans do not want a God of love, because a lover always makes demands." - Richard Rohr

I've been thinking a lot about Love lately. Not the romantic kind, but the divinely inspired kind. At a workshop, I was once asked what gift was I holding back from the world. My answer was easy: Love. Some days, I just don't think the world is ready for the kind of Love I have to give, and I self-censor. Such arrogance. Who am I to hold back on sharing the very essence of God? That's when I know Fear is guiding my decisions.

Over the past several years, I have recognized and known a God of Love at work in my life. And Richard Rohr is right, such a lover does make demands. No longer can I hide behind excuses that I am not good enough... or that I have "sinned" and am therefore unworthy of God's Love. Every day is an exercise in acceptance of who I am. As I am. I am God's beloved and She is mine. And with that come more demands... The demands that the acceptance extend to others, for they too are God's beloveds. Exactly as they are. Not mine to change, or to fix. But simply mine to love.

Some days, my desire to be close to God is palpable and I know He is waiting... calling... For me, Holy Week, and its powerful stories, is a time of remembering what Love can be. The drama of fear, acceptance, rejection, death, life, love... it's all there.

Although my Lenten journey didn't start out the way I had planned, it continues to carry me along a spiritual path. My literary companions have been Richard Rohr and Joan Chittister, whose words never fail to affirm, enlighten, inspire and challenge me.

Here's wishing you a blessed Holy Week - in whatever shape or form you choose to live it.
PAX,

Just a question of time...

Am I the only one who totally forgot to spring forward last night?! I decided to sleep in until God woke me up, which She did around 9:30 am this morning. It's all good. I'm easing into my morning routine and it suddenly occured to me that I'd forgotten to do something before going to bed. Suddenly, it was no longer 9:30 am, but 10:30 am! Damn. I'd just lost an hour.

But, did I really? Hubby corrected me earlier this week when I commented on the fact that we'd be "losing an hour" this weekend. "No we're not. We'll still have the same number of hours - it doesn't just disappear, y'know." Spoken like the true creature of logic that he is. Got me thinking about time... how we define it, how we use it, how we abuse it. How many times have I heard (and said) I didn't have time to do (fill in the blank...). Truth is, we always have all the time there is. It's what we do with it that matters...

My train of thought has been hijacked. I just received an email from a friend letting me know that a mutual acquaintance lost her baby on Thursday at 24 weeks. What wouldn't she give for more time in the life of her baby girl? I'm sure losing an hour this weekend is the least of her concerns. Losing an hour. Losing a life. There's nothing like perspective...

PAX,

Living Lent-like...

"Lent begs us to empty our lives of the trivial and the superficial so that we can come to the things that last -- family, prayer, rich ideas, concern for the globe, the mind of Christ for the human condition." - Joan Chittister, OSB

I can't say I've been living very Lent-like lately. For the past several years, I've relished the arrival of Lent. It all started with a priest who joyfully declared "HAPPY LENT!" at the beginning of an Ash Wednesday service. He daringly proclaimed that Lent could be an exciting, meaningful and growthful time. More than simply giving up some trivial thing like chocolate or chips (gasp!), I vowed to use this period to strengthen my commitment to a God-driven life. I would make time every day for spiritual reading and reflective journalling. Giving up meat on Fridays was a concrete way to remind me to live with awareness. For the past several years, Lent has indeed been a happy time.

Something's different this year, and I need to let that be OK. Like a good Catholic girl, I'm feeling guilty. I suspect Jesus had precious little time for self-centred guilt... and I'm pretty sure I've never seen guilt preached or praised in the Gospels. So I pray for the willingness to let Life flow, according to God's will. Thy will, not mine.

Do you think God's will for me includes Baked Lay's Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips?!

PAX,

Sharing the blogger experience...

Just here showing my friend Paul the inner workings of "the blog". Paul is very interested in this and I hope (someday!) to see a blog from him. He is an accomplished writer and published author who has lived - and is living - a fascinating life. Hope to see you here soon Paul!!
PAX,

Olympic Fever...

There's a part of me that is happy the Olympics are over. Maybe now I'll get my life back! Yes, it was my choice to sit there and watch our Canadian athletes put in their best results ever, but it became downright addictive!

I think my favourite moment came yesterday as I sat on the couch watching Clara Hughes give a gold medal performance in the 5000m speed skating event, tears streaming down my cheeks. The look on her face when she registered that she had won was priceless! My worst moment came as I was cheering for Canadian ice dancers Dubreuil & Lauzon only to see Marie-France go crashing to the ice in the last seconds of their brilliant original dance. I gasped, stared at the TV screen in disbelief and marvelled at how quickly Olympic dreams can disappear. Did I mention the tears streaming down my cheeks there too?

As a non-athletic person, I stand in awe of all athletes who show such determination & dedication to their goals. I'm not a very disciplined person so I can't identify with what drives someone to push themselves in the way that Olympians do... but I certainly can appreciate it and thank them for 16 days of pure adrenalin!

On to Vancouver 2010!
PAX,

Family in cyberspace...

My Oncle Joe just got a new computer.

I received an email from him yesterday via our family e-group. Seems fitting, since yesterday was the 7th anniversary of a Yahoo!Group that allows the direct descendants of Arthur à Johnny Savoie (see above photo: Arthur on left, Johnny on right) to regularly keep in touch despite the thousands of miles that separate us. Cousins, aunts & uncles are spread out over three provinces. Seven years ago, we began an experiment and over 3000 emails later, I feel as close to them as if I'd never left my home province.

Did I mention that Oncle Joe is 81 years old?! Father, grand-father, great-grand-father... he is the figurative patriarch of our fun-loving, musical Acadian family. And he continues to be the hippest octagenarian I know!

Way to go, l'oncle Joe!

Viewing pleasure...

I have recently discovered a place where they let you borrow videos and DVDs for free! It's called a "public library". :-) I used to think it was solely a book borrowing place, but I'm into my third straight week of discovering films & documentaries that I wouldn't have picked up elsewhere... Whether a documentary on American anti-war activist Eugene McCarthy, or a heartwarming film about a terminally ill boy, his mentor and the search for a blue butterfly, or a visual feast with photographer Jim Brandenberg as he is being Chased by the Light, I have been thoroughly challenged and entertained.

For those who may wish to follow this path, I offer this experience-based word of advice: the Library people prefer it if you return the video tape at the same time as the case. Apparently forgetting the tape in your VCR and returning it two weeks later gives them a bit of extra work. Ooops.

PAX,

Seven days...

It's been seven days... seven days since my last dairy product, yeast or fermented product, sugar, tomato or orange. I'm currently on a restricted diet to assess my sensitivity to certain foods. With testing, I showed a reaction to these products... so now I have to remove them from my diet and slowly re-introduce them, one at a time. I need to pay attention to how my body responds to this gradual reintegration.

I never realized how many foods include yeast! Much to my surprise, if I wish to decrease the overgrowth of yeast in my body, I need to avoid sugar. And fruit. And vinegars or cidars. And fermented products like cheese. And fungii. Does one eat a lot of fungii, you may ask? Well, I do enjoy my sauteed mushrooms. But not this week. It's been seven days...

Simple, but not easy. Years ago, I could not understand that saying. I do now. In so many ways. And it applies to this as well. It's simple to avoid certain foods, but it's not necessarily easy. What wouldn't I give for a bag of potato chips right now!!

Oh well, roasted dulse it is...
PAX,

The best time...

WINTER IS THE BEST TIME (by David Budbill)

Winter is the best time
to find out who you are.

Quiet, contemplation time,
away from the rushing world,

cold time, dark time, holed-up,
pulled-in, time and space

to see that inner landscape
that place hidden and within.

Just a little gem I came across on this icy, windy, damp, dark winter night. Gratitude for my warm little home abounds...

PAX,

Impermanence...

I saw a house come down yesterday. Literally. Abandoned since before my time on this street, this house had admittedly become somewhat of an eyesore. It sits on a piece of land that is being developed and, yesterday, in just a few moments, it was nothing but a pile of splintered wood & glass... and hopefully good memories.

Whenever I see an abandoned house, I often wonder what stories would the walls tell - if only they could. What joys and sorrows have taken root in the very floorboards of the house? What made this particular house, a home?

As I watched the obnoxious heavy equipment reach out and pull down the walls of this house, I noticed there were still curtains in the windows. And suddenly, a glimpse of a mattress being tossed about in the chaos. Was this mattress a source of restful comfort for someone, a sanctuary after a long, hard day? Did it set the stage for exciting sexual fulfillment? Or was it a focal point for lonely isolation and tears?

I continued on my way to work, and the message that came to me was this: impermanence. The things that make up my home may some day end up in a heap, being gawked at by strangers. The things that are truly important, God... love... family... friendship..., are well beyond the reach of even the most powerful heavy equipment.

PAX

Power of Secrets...

I wake up to CBC Radio One every morning. My routine usually consists of hitting the snooze button a few times before turning the radio off and getting up. As I said, I "wake up" to the radio; I don't actually listen to it.

This morning, however, a story caught my attention - and I listened. It was about secrets: their power over us and the healing that comes with sharing them. "We're only as sick as our secrets." How many times has that been heard in the rooms of recovery!

The interview was with Frank Warren, author of PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives. About 13 months ago, he decided to invite people to anonymously send him a postcard and share a secret. What started as an experiment has lead to this book and a blog.

What struck me the most in this interview was the way Warren honours and cherishes the secrets that have been entrusted to him. This is no cheap thrill-seeking endeavour; this is an exercise in creating community... in healing community. Sadly, I have to agree with him when he says the response to his invitation - over 10,000 postcards so far - demonstrates the degree of lonliness that exists in our world, despite our numbers and our access to communication tools.

I remember all too well the relief I felt when I first shared what I felt was a most shameful and freakish secret. My friend did not laugh at me or draw back in horror. She looked at me with love and accepted me fully. Y'know, I don't see that friend that much these days. If nothing else, perhaps she was put on my path for that very moment - a moment of a secret shared and a wound healed.

Indeed, we are only as sick as our secrets.

A Family Affair...

Seems blogging has become a family affair! My sister has chosen to share her Urban Living Experiment in cyberspace. I'm thrilled because my sister is a talented writer and one of the most creative people I know. I enjoy her quirky insight and her ability to see something worth writing about in everyday experiences. I'm sure you will too...

Way to go, Sister-Friend!

PAX

Trying to find an answer...

It's hard being a recovering perfectionist... especially when - in my opinion - all is not perfect. Which, of course, is most of the time. I haven't blogged during the last month because I haven't had the energy to write the "perfect" post. It finally dawned on me how ridiculous that is, so here I am.

I've been off work since December 23rd. The cough-that-would-not-end lead me to a naturopath, and to the discover that I was running on empty. I gave myself permission to acknowledge my fatigue and do what I needed to do. I'm back at work tomorrow with a modified work schedule. I'm nervous and afraid of feeling overwhelmed. I'm still not as sharp as I can be. (Witness me putting the paper towels away in the oven earlier today! :-)) And I still tire easily.

One of the unexpected gifts from this past couple of months has been a sense of empowerment in regards to my health. I've been blessed with good health in the past and I haven't had to pay too much attention. That has changed now... and I'm needing to get more involved in my own healthcare. Turns out my GP isn't interested in anything a naturopath has to say. I'm free to go see "those people" if I want, but GP won't comment on anything that comes from them. According to GP, blood tests came back normal, ergo, there must not be anything wrong with me. Keep catching up on my rest. No suggestions from GP for further medical investigation. Grrrr... Disappointment. Anger. Bewilderment.

So, here goes. I know all is not "normal". Time to own my own health. I'm motivated, but overwhelmed at the thought of venturing into this unknown territory. I've always leaned towards a more natural, wholistic approach to life, so we'll see where this journey leads... Wish me luck!

PAX

Dancing with Fatigue...

Seems to me I've always danced with fatigue in one way or another. As a teenager, I remember regularly taking naps after school. And I have a reputation in my family for my ability to sleep in. "It's a gift", I would respond to the teasing. "Not all of us are blessed with it." As an adult, if I don't set an alarm, I usually don't wake up until I've slept for 9 or 10 hours. Usually, I dance along with the ongoing sense of low energy in a manageable way... but not so these days.

Fatigue has taken a strong lead and I am stumbling in my attempts to stay in step. I'm forgetful. I'm baffled by simple decisions. Concentration & focus elude me. I've been down this road before, and this time I need to listen carefully to these signs. I've been caught by surprise though. My life is not in crisis; in fact, it is overflowing with wonderful opportunities and blessings. Of course, what the body registers is: stress. The body doesn't differenciate between "good" stress and "bad" stress. It's all the same to my body.

So, I need to put First Things First and go into self-care mode. It's hard to do that in our society. It takes courage, and I pray I will be given what I need to make the decisions I need to make. Nothing drastic, but difficult decisions nonetheless. Reducing commitments... seeing a doctor... taking time from work... letting go of guilt... putting myself and guilt-free, non-planned time on the top of my To-Do list. Better yet, ripping up the To-Do list completely! One step at a time...

Luckily, we have no plans this Christmas. What a blessing! No commitments, no obligations, no plans. No matter how wonderful this time of the year can be, I can't tell you how excited I am to have nothing to do this Christmas. A friend once said that his wish for me was that I would experience boredom, just for a while. I'll resist the temptation to add "Be bored..." to my list and I'll try to surrender to the experience of self-care. Now THAT would be a true gift.

PAX

The power of waiting...

You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness you feel.
The future must enter you
long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth,
for the hour of new clarity.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

How powerful!! I came across this quote yesterday and was struck by how it described what the season of Advent is all about. Today, for me, Advent is not about waiting for the birth of baby Jesus, it's about waiting in anticipation for the beginning of a new Way. I believe that's what the message is all about. That's why I should pay attention to the story of a baby born in a manger over 2000 years ago.

A lot has happened since I last posted here... Most notably, I've entered a new decade of life! Perhaps that's why I'm feeling especially reflective. Naw, that's not it. Advent always puts me in this hopeful mood!

PAX

U2 can be one of them...

Following an unforeseen turn of events, I found myself surrounded by over 20,000 enthusiastic and adoring U2 fans earlier tonite. By the end of the concert, I was one of them. It's not that I didn't know of U2's music before - it's just that I didn't consider myself a "fan" (ie. Do you know the words to Sunday, Bloody Sunday? Do you know Bono's real name? Do you know that The Edge is not the name of an album?).

The fact is, I don't really follow any band closely. I hardly listen to the radio or to CDs. I was trying to remember the last real rock concert I had been to. I was horrified when I realized it was April Wine's Farewell Tour (before they came back). Then I remembered I had seen Genesis in concert at the Skydome in 1990-something. OK, so that was a bit better!

But, allow me to get back to Bono... please! First of all, the concert was FAN-TAS-TIC... My ears are still hisssssing. Just when I thought the crowd couldn't cheer any louder, somehow they did. WE did! I allowed myself to be carried away by the experience. I was amazed at the effect Bono has on his fans - men & women alike. All he has to do is suit up and show up... and he is adored. He saunters around that stage like he owns it... like he knows something we don't. But whatever he has, he offers us every ounce of it. He stands there, opens his arms and drinks in our energy, then he pours it right back out for us in his singing. Stunning. Absolutely.

I got a real kick out of watching the crowd react to him... of watching him react to the crowd. It was like being involved in a love affair. It was completely anihilating. Yes, there are other band members... and they too are appreciated by the masses. But there's just something about Bono that is mesmerizing. His heart & soul, his entire being, comes out in his performance - or so it seems.

OK. I think I may be hooked. Will it last? Maybe it's just the intoxicating effect of sharing the energy of Bono... or maybe it's just lust. Whatever it is, in this moment, I am one of them.

p.s. I now know his real name! :-)

Passing judgement...

I was speaking to John (of no fixed address) this morning. He announced that he "finally broke down" and went to social services yesterday. He's now on file and will get a street allowance and assistance with rent if he can find a room. I found it powerful when he said that he enjoyed not having to be on welfare, but "welfare or not, you get judged either way". So true. Mea culpa.

It's very humbling to speak to John. He has a no-nonsense attitude and, despite his situation, he always has a smile and a friendly greeting to offer. As I approach, he croons his usual greeting: Heeey, pretty lady! I tease him about his Toronto Maple Leafs hat, which he tries to hide under his hood with a sheepish grin and his dazzling blue eyes.

Good luck, John. Sorry we've judged you. Here's hoping you don't have to spend another winter on the streets...

Gigowatt-saving Gospel...

Project Porchlight (PP) is surpassing all our expectations. We estimate that, by the end of this coming weekend, volunteers will have distributed 10 000 lightbulbs in their neighbourhood. And the expressions of interest keep rolling in. Community groups are realizing that this is a do-able project! This small act of energy conservation is accessible to all of us, regardless of our economic status, our ethnic group, our age, our employment status, our gender, our state of mind... PEI is interested in talking with PP. So is the Ontario Power Authority. The initiative has been highlighted in the media and is being mentioned as far away as Lethbridge and Waskaganich. This week, the Ottawa Business Journal writes about our hope to spread our "gigowatt-saving gospel across Canada". :-)

Indeed, spread the Good News. Change IS within reach!