The price of learning...

So this is what "deconstruction" feels like. I am physically & emotionally exhausted. What's going on, you may ask? Nothing much, just intense learning. And it's not easy.

I am attending my fourth course towards obtaining my Certificate in Organization Development from the NTL Institute. Since one of the main tools in OD work is the effective Use of Self (ie. how I behave with groups that I may work with and the impact of my actions on them), a lot of learning is around self-awareness. And that's rarely a comfortable process.

Towards the end of today's class (Day 3 of 5), I shared that my energy was elsewhere. My fatigue was obvious. Afterwards, one of the instructors came to ask if I was OK; her genuine concern was like a permission given to let the tears flow. It's not the first time that the intensity of this course has brought me to tears. She asked if I was familiar with the theory of "deconstruction". Since I wasn't, she explained that, in times of intense learning, we can experience a destabilization that can cause great discomfort and questioning. It's as if all that I think that I know... the assumptions, the theories, the beliefs that guide my work, are ripped apart - and away from me - in order to allow for the successful integration of new information & experiences. But before this integration takes place, there is a period of great un-knowing, of self-doubt, of intense realization of how little I know about myself, or about anything else for that matter.

My current learning seems to be revolving around leadership, power & influence, control/surrender and the impact I have on others. This is quite fascinating to me... and this de-stabilized feeling comes as a surprise to me. However, I need to continue to trust the process. What gets DEconstructed integrates the new learning and eventually gets REconstructed. In the meantime, I can be patient, gentle and grateful for my instructors & fellow students - a learning community that offers me a safe place to do whatever learning I need to do.

I am spent. And it's all good.
PAX,